cabbageblogs

INVICTUS

2011-11-17T22:13:00.001+08:00

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley (1875)

Muruku For Love

2011-10-29T22:01:00.000+08:00

Deepavali had passed yet again but I still here thunderous firecrackers while sitting up here in the apartment. People are still celebrating it the best they know how. And as usual, in Malaysia another common way to celebrate is through food. Ted posted some Indian favourites in Malaysia and on Deepavali day we got a homemade Gulab Jamun to feast on. Muruku is Ted's favourite, it is his thinking food and we got some today from Thurka after breakfast.

But Marina Mahathir spoke about the celebration which is closer to my heart, the way I would have like it be celebrated.... Enlightenment in the way we think and live. It is ironic considering what has transpired around the world and at home before this week of Deepavali. Somehow we need to see what is beyond in front of us so that we can survive the future. Please read about it HERE

Happy Deepavali friends...

Retail Therapy

2011-10-28T02:45:00.001+08:00

It comes slowly, seeping through me. Unlike in cartoon where the light bulb suddenly pop up above your head, an idea don't appear like that. It was like a flow of motion, one following by another then another.

Like a robotic motion, as routine as it is, I drove home following the traffic flow, arrived at the designated parking in my apartment and took the elevator to the 18th floor. Absentmindedly unlocked the door, then locking it behind me and dumping my bag and keys at the usual place. Washing my face without really thinking and as the warm water touched my skin, the feeling of neglect and loneliness felt heavy. I need to go out, I must get out of my mundane routine. So instead of slipping into my loose t-shirt, I dressed up. Choosing the colour of my lipstick was the only thing I need to decide and in a second I was out the door. In my head, I mapped out my route and simultaneously the plan was executed.

Drove to ATM first and make sure I have enough cash, not too much but enough for me not to worry about limiting my spending. It is a bit too late to go to a hypermarket but Watson is just around the corner. Good enough, I thought. Not knowing what I need, I go through each aisle methodically, touching the pristine packages and bottles. Do I need this....do I want that. Yes...No....My mind was differentiating the needs and the wants, while my hand picked out the products one by one. Within minutes, my basket was filled with items of wants and needs. Satisfied and happy as I pay the cashier, I walked to the car with a smile.

I am no longer neglect nor lonely anymore. Happiness created.....

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Honouring Time

2011-10-21T00:35:00.000+08:00

I always have problems with time. Especially in the morning. I would like to think that I inherited this from Ayah but most likely it is because I am such a lay back person and takes time for granted. I am a late riser because I am a night owl. I just find it difficult to wake up early. But I see now that this is not a valid excuse.

So far it has not cause much problem since I learned to make my way through it but recently, my job has been effected. I am late at work and most of the time I got people to cover me at work. But lately, I feel that I take people for granted just because I take time for granted. I also see that my tempered are short and I become lethargic easily.

The year is ending and I think it is still not too late to make a new resolution. I will honour how I spend my time from now on. Be on time to work and be an early riser. After all, the early bird do get the worms and I guess it is not to late to realize that now.

Magical

2011-10-10T00:48:00.000+08:00

I never really like magic that much. Thought they are quite ridiculous most of the time and a bit of a trickster. But Ted is very much interested in it. I guess it is about the performance and creating happiness that attracts it to him. He made me look at magician and magic differently now.

When I was younger I used to read about Houdini and his great escape stunts. Then came David Copperfield with his over the top magical feats. Who could ever forget him "walking" through the Great Wall of China? in the last 10 years, 2 new magician had made it internationally, David Blaine and Cyrus. Both of them are famous for their street magic which I thought were very entertaining.

But then I saw the similarity in all of these magician. All of them worked hard to be the master of what they do. All of them trained almost all their lives to continue being the best and to create amazing magical feats, to entertained people, each time trying to outdo their last act. Maybe, more then the performing and entertaining part, this is what the kinship Ted has found with them. It is the training and the practice and the hard work, to be the best that you can be in what you do.

David Blaine did a talk in TEDTalks ( TED stands for Training, Entertainment, Design) which explained his work. At the end he explained what magic means to him... it is about the training and the practice and the experimenting, about pushing through the pain to be the best that you can be. I can see why Ted found kinship with all these magician.

Check out the talk HERE. It is a about 20 min but he is so real and such an inspiration. Don't be surprise if you get teary eye at the end. I did.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish

2011-10-07T02:08:00.000+08:00

Steve Jobs, the man that created Apple passed away 2 days ago. He succumbed to his battle with Pancreatic Cancer. A visionary that changed the face of this world, enriched the lives of million of people. He never graduated, did not hold any degree...but what he had was more precious then anything we mere human could gain, gift of ideas and vision.

Steve Jobs Commencement Address, Stanford University 2005.

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, it's likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.

This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope it's the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

Reuter site - Johnny Depp apologizes for Vanity Fair "rape" comment

2011-10-06T19:26:00.002+08:00

It is difficult to express yourself to others. Chose the right words and people would find a kindred spirit in you but if the wrong words are used, you can be called insensitive. In the case of Johny Depp, it is the latter. I can't help but sympathized with public figures like him whom on a daily basis have to watch how they say things. In a time where they are hundreds of so called advocates for so many victimized situation, you do have to watch how you described your situation so as not to step on their toes. Maybe that is why a lot of celebrities preferred a 'no comment' attitude. Cakap salah, tak cakap pun salah.....

Johnny Depp apologizes for Vanity Fair "rape" comment

Wed, Oct 05 15:18 PM EDT

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Johnny Depp apologized on Wednesday for comparing photo shoots to being raped.

The "Pirates of the Caribbean" actor told the November issue of Vanity Fair in an interview that he found being photographed a "weird" experience.

"You just feel like you're being raped somehow. Raped. The whole thing. It feels like a kind of weird...just weird, man... Whenever you have a photo shoot or something like that, it's like - you just feel dumb. It's just so stupid," said Depp, 48.

Depp released a statement on Wednesday apologizing for his "regretful" comments, after objections were raised by a rape victims support group.

"I am truly sorry for offending anyone in any way. I never meant to. It was a poor choice of words on my part in an effort to explain a feeling," Depp said.

"I understand there is no comparison and I am very regretful. In an effort to correct my lack of judgment, please accept my heartfelt apology," the actor added.

The group Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) had spoken out against Depp's initial comments, saying that "while photos may feel at times intrusive, being photographed in no way compares to rape."

The group said later it "appreciates and accepts" Depp's apology.

The A-lister's comments are similar to those that "Twilight" actress Kristen Stewart made in June 2010 when she compared being subjected to paparazzi photographs to rape.

Depp also discussed his large movie paychecks from films ranging from "Alice in Wonderland" to the blockbuster "Pirates" franchise. Vanity Fair estimated the actor's 2010 earnings at $100 million.

"Basically, if they're going to pay me the stupid money right now, I'm going to take it. I have to," he told the magazine. "I mean, it's not for me. Do you know what I mean? At this point, it's for my kids. It's ridiculous, yeah, yeah," said Depp.

The full interview will be on newsstands in New York and LA on Oct 6 and nationally on Oct 12.

(Reporting by Piya Sinha-Roy; Editing by Jill Serjeant and Christine Kearney)

Possession

2011-10-06T03:29:00.001+08:00

This is another movie where 2 separate stories intertwined into 1. It is dreamy and seductive at the same time.

2 modern day literary experts came across letters between 2 Victorian poets and following their steps told the story of the secret love affair. The doomed love affairs unraveled as more letters and notes were discover. I love how the 2 stories overlapped each other and how 2 different sort of loves are compared...each with its own struggle and uncertainty.

And like any other great movies that I have seen, this movie was also based on a great best selling novel. So I guess I have to add another book to my long list of must read.

I can not let you burned me up

Nor can I resist you

No mere human can stand near a fire...and not be consumed

Effective Communication

2011-10-05T02:06:00.000+08:00

Today at work I witnessed an incidence where communication went all wrong. Fortunately I was the observer rather then the participant.

After our weekly meeting this morning I saw the outburst of one disgruntled doctor (Let me label her as DR.A) with regards to our on call roster for October. She was near tears and almost shouting to the doctor (Dr. B) who made the roster. Of course, I was appalled by the whole scene and decided to stepped out of the meeting room. However, standing outside the door, I could hear her voice escalating to a scream and after a few second another doctor (Dr. C) burst out of the room crying. My guessed was that whatever needed to be conveyed was disrupted by the unprofessional conduct of Dr. A who was shouting and emotional. Later in the day, I received an e-mail from Dr. B who explained the whole incident, admitting the mistakes in the roster but also commented on how doctors and colleagues should be professional enough to handle the whole incident without any dramatic outburst. I must say that I am saddened by the conduct of Dr.A but at the same time commended Dr. B who was able to handle the whole situation professionally. Dr.C on the other hand became the collateral damage where she became the unknowing victim to Dr. B's firing end.

Being emotional and throwing tantrum will not get you what you want. I myself have been put in situation where the calls rotation was unfair to me, but I talked to Dr.B quietly and calmly without any temper tantrum being thrown to everybody else. And the rotations got change to the satisfaction of everybody else. The way I see it, if you want something from others, you need to be calm and communicate your grievances clearly. That way, you can maintain an amicable relationship with the people around you and you might just get what you want and more. The behaviour of Dr. A made me dislike her and left a bad impression. In fact it didn't make me sympathize with her situation. On the contrary, it just made me think that she doesn't deserve any help from us.

This serve as a reminder to me never to shout and scream in front of others regardless of how upset I get with my situation.

The Wedding Season

2011-10-02T06:41:00.001+08:00

It is the season of matrimony. Where couples declare their love for each other lawfully and to announced to the world that they are together forever, for eternity.... It is the 8th month in the Chinese Calender and supposedly the best month for such union.

Last weekend we were in Malacca for Seow Chin and Alex's wedding. It was good to be surrounded by my LP again, smaller in number then I expected but good nevertheless. It was great to see Choy Yen & Alvin expecting their first baby. I am happy for them but deep inside I had a brief moment of emptiness. But fortunately it was brief and I was happy to see my closest friends.....

The lovely couple

Glowing pyramid glasses

As usual...big laughs

One from LP123 before we leave

Last night was in KL Hilton for Cecelia & Isaac's wedding. We dressed up a bit more and I felt like a princess. The wedding was beautiful and again I was surrounded by my Asiaworks friends...amazing bunch of people. I love the door gifts and Cecelia was radiant in a laced/satin Cheong Sam. And again I was surrounded by expecting couples and new mothers...oh well....

Beautiful but simple backdrops in white and gold

With the bride and the groom

The decadent door gifts

Our customary self potrait

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

The Tango Scene - Scent of a Woman Movie (1992) - HD

2011-10-02T05:54:00.000+08:00

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dura1503 has shared a video with you on YouTube: The Tango Scene - Scent of a Woman Movie (1992) - HD Frank (Al Pacino) teaches the beautiful and charming Donna (Gabrielle Anwar) how to dance the tango. TM & © Universal (2011) Buy Movie: http://www.amazon.com/gp/search?ie=UTF8&keywords=Scent%20of%20a%20Woman&tag=movieclipscom-20&index=dvd&linkCode=ur2 Scene: The Tango - http://movieclips.com/Ym3N6-scent-of-a-woman-movie-the-tango/ Movie Details: Scent of a Woman (1992) - http://movieclips.com/GkQmr-scent-of-a-woman-movie-videos/ Cast: Chris O'Donnell, Al Pacino, Gabrielle Anwar Director: Martin Brest Producer: G. Mac Brown, Martin Brest, Ronald L. Schwary Screenwriter: Bo Goldman, Dino Risi, Giovanni Arpino, Ruggero Maccari Film Description: Scent of a Woman is a 1992 film which tells the story of a preparatory school student who takes a job as an assistant to an irascible, blind, medically retired Army officer. It stars Al Pacino, Chris O'Donnell, James Rebhorn, Philip Seymour Ho... more
© 2011 YouTube, LLC 901 Cherry Ave, San Bruno, CA 94066

To Tango With Al Pacino

2011-10-02T05:49:00.001+08:00

Scent Of A Woman had the best monologue and dialogue scenes. It made Al Pacino my hero of all time. But the best scene ever doesn't even need any words. It is this one To Tango with Al Pacino

I would love to Tango with Al Pacino but this is just a wishful dream. Nevertheless it is a beautiful dream, don't you think?

The Day I Lost Empathy

2011-10-01T01:06:00.000+08:00

Empathy: The capacity or ability to understand and share the feelings of others, be it a sad or a happy ones. In my profession, this is something that is necessary but sadly lack in most of my colleagues. Maybe it was never in them but I would like to think that we probably bury it deep in ourselves, so that we can distant ourselves from the suffering, so that we can better served them. I on the other hand, held on to this ability to empathize because I always believed that it is vital in my job. I need to empathize so that I can serve them better. If I know how they feel, if I put myself in their position, I could stay with them longer and serve them better. I would never imagine myself without empathy....

But somehow I lost it yesterday.... I just refuse to empathize and instead I dwell so much into my anger, into the situation I was in. It is not a feeling I am proud of and I knew I will regret it later....now.

While preparing Sasikumaran for his surgery yesterday, I did not stop and think how he would feel. I knew the feeling of helplessness and despair but I did not want to feel it, I continued doing what was needed to prepare him and I block out the cry and the scream. We finally sedated him for the procedure and he was taken to the OT. He came back 4 hours later....the surgery did not go well and he succumbed to his condition 3 hours after that. I found out about his demise the day after. Suddenly I thought of his mom and I hate myself for how I treated him during his last few hours of consciousness. Yes I was doing my job but not in a way that I could be proud of. I realized that by loosing empathy I would gain remorse... it is a feeling I never would want to know again, ever.

Balance

2011-09-30T19:56:00.001+08:00

We live our life the best we know how. We know there will be good times, and bad times. At times we will be high up on cloud nine, and at times we will be buried deep with problems. We like to look at the glass half full, but sometimes we see it half empty. It is all about pushing and pulling.

Our life's journey is all about finding the balance, to stay happy despite grieving. To be inspired even when we ran out of muse. To stay hungry for life even if we are half alive... It is all about balancing and juggling. If only it is easy... But then again, you can't appreciate joy if you don't know sadness...

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Time Traveler's Wife

2011-09-29T02:14:00.001+08:00

I started reading again. It was one of my favourite things to do when I was young. I was a veracious reader and constantly has my nose in between pages of a novel or an encyclopaedia or a magazine (days before internet was famous)

Anyway, I recently finished The Time Traveler's Wife written by Audrey Niffenegger. Published in 2005 and was made into a motion picture 4 years later. I actually wanted to watch the movie first but got tired of missing it in Astro, so I bought the book few months ago and only started reading it 3 weeks ago.

The book tackle the common topics of love, relationships and the struggle of holding on to it. Pretty common but what was different was the arrangement of the events, unlike story with flashbacks. Chronologically it was haphazard and at times I was confused while trying to follow the storyline but I think it was written well enough so that you are engaged in every moment. I was taken back and forth through the lives of Henry and Clare...and even though the story seemed to jump from here to there, I was never really lost. Their love story seemed normal...about wanting and longings and dreams.... but the struggled are exclusively theirs.

It has been a while since I felt engrossed in wanting to be a part of a story. I would recommend this book to anyone who loves a love story. I haven't seen the movie but I am sure I would just adore it.

Love After Love

The time will come

when, with elation

you will greet yourself arriving

at your own door, in your own mirror

and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self,

Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart

to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored

for another, who knows you by heart,

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes.

peel your own image from the mirror.

Sit. Feast on your life

- Derek Walcott

The movie trailer

Please Come In

2011-09-26T01:48:00.003+08:00

Eat, Pray, Love

2011-09-26T01:24:00.002+08:00

Ruin is a gift... Only from ruins, you can be transformed.

Our 2011 Raya

2011-09-23T22:09:00.001+08:00

It is already 25th Syawal and Ted and I haven't gone visiting at all. This year Raya is very quiet for both of us. Aiman was back in Sarawak. The only big thing that we did was that both of us got new wardrobe for Raya and bought some new ones for Aiman. My family theme was Pink /Cream and for the first time we had some nice "free-style" photos.

But as usual, chaos always follow any photo session in my family....

Unfortunately, we had no family gathering in Keramat, but we did spend the first Syawal evening in Keramat. We left late and went home to Setapak to wind down the hectic day.

The new thing that happened this first Syawal was that we spend it at 3 important homes....my parents, Ted's parents...and finally our place in Setapak. All in all it was a fulfilling First Syawal. And of course, we had an eventful time in Mersing. But I was glad Ted's parents followed us despite everything that happened. We got both family together and it was wonderful.

Project 365 No 10: Graceful Green

2011-09-22T22:24:00.000+08:00

Nikon D200, 72 mm, ISO 400, f/5.3, 1/250 sec

I love green leafy plants. It takes years to grow them to this size. Ibu's garden have such plants, apart from her orchid. I love sitting on the swing in her garden after a rainy day. I wish to have such garden one day.

Project 365 No 9: Bentong

2011-09-22T00:05:00.000+08:00

Nikon 200, 18 mm, f/3.5, 1/800 sec

This was taken on 3rd June 2011 on our way to Perhentian Island. Driving there was amazing as we stopped in Bentong, Kuala Lipis and few other places. I managed to take few amazing photos of places and people. I missed making such trips. The Dataran Bentong was empty and run-down that day but I would have like to imagined that it has seen better days, a place where people gathers and had fun. Nevertheless the blue sky and the white cloud in the background gave it a majestic ambiance.

My Favourite No.2

2011-09-21T21:23:00.001+08:00

Ibu used to scold me for this. I love cold overnight rice with leftover Sambal Belacan mixed with soy sauce. Just had a bowl, though it is not exactly a leftover Sambal Belacan. Had it made fresh. The taste brought me back to those Sunday morning at home where I used to sneak into the kitchen and made a bowl of this mixture hoping Ibu won't catch me. Tonight, I don't have to sneak around but I still feel a bit guilty while finishing up the bowl. Just one of those things....

Power of Suggestion

2011-09-21T17:38:00.000+08:00

Magnum came out with a new advert which made me crave for one. It is not so much the advert but the way the model just bite into that vanilla chocolate coating ice cream on a stick that made me want one. Of course for those who had taste it, will magnanimously agreed with me how magnificent the taste is. But the advert did its job... it made me think about it so often until I give in and had one today.

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Simple Pleasure

2011-09-19T02:43:00.000+08:00

I am winding down from the last weekend, which was a long one. 3 days to be exact. Malaysia Day was celebrated last Friday and the whole Malaysia had the day off, well at least for most of us. As usual, we had a huge parade early morning. Ted woke up early to see the jets and helicopters fly over our sky near the apartment. Sadly, Aiman and I slept through it all.

We had huge plan that Friday but we ended up spending our time indoor. Not really a productive day but then again, the way I see it, I needed that day just to be LAZY.

Saturday was totally opposite. Got up early to send the car and finally fix the windshield. Took the 6 hours later and a few hundred Ringgit short for us to make it look brand new. We went out to One Utama for Sushi. I am a big fan of internet shopping since I got a deal in almost everything I desire. The Sushi dinner was bought from Milkadeal at a steal. We feast and enjoyed ourselves. The result: came home at 10.30 pm and went straight to bed.

Sunday was semi laundry day. I managed to do a lot, in fact I even ironed out a whole week of work clothes. I was very proud of myself since laundry is my least favourite of chores. Followed Ted to Bangsar for his alumni meeting but I spend shopping at MPH in Bangsar Village.

Spend the rest of the time alone waiting for him in Starbuck accompanied by The Time Traveller's Wife, Banana Blueberry Muffin and a cup of cold Mocha. Even got ourselves the perfect Galic Salt and Pepper grinder which I have been eyeing few months ago.

The night ended perfectly when Zila & Zaim cam for yamcha. Caught up with some gossip albeit not a good one. Found out a couple that we love dearly broke up... Anyway, maybe it is for the best. It is hard to see rainbow at the other end when you are still at this end surrounded by cloud. But I am hopeful and know, the cloud will be lift away soon.
Winding down and now dreaming of a full week ahead, being in contribution as always...

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Project 365: No. 8 Broken Glass

2011-09-19T01:58:00.002+08:00

They give beautiful images from different angles, but nevertheless broken and not perfect. You can say the same for our lives. Different people look at their lives differently. They see what are broken and imperfect from inside from but to others it may be perfect and beautiful... sometimes it might help for us to stop and look from outside, from another point of view.

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Project 365: No 7 Shallots

2011-09-16T18:03:00.001+08:00

Ted love shallots. It can be used as a base for many of his cooking but his favourite are fried sliced shallots which can be use as condiments for whatever. Just made everything tastier and more beautiful...

My Favourite

2011-09-16T01:51:00.001+08:00

White lilly or popularly known as Madonna Lilly is one of my favourite things in this world. It is not just beautiful, but has the most sweetest aroma.

Forest In The City

2011-09-15T01:21:00.000+08:00

I always love trees. Whenever I see a beautiful tree, I took picture of it. Used to have loads of pictures of trees in my album.
That is why I think I am so lucky working in Jalan Tun Razak where Tasik Titiwangsa is just a stone throw away.

In fact, where I live, there is this small patch of reserved land where trees are planted. I passed by it on the way to work and it is situated around a pass over where the jam are the worst. But passing though it daily always put a smile on my face and I can never be grumpy even in the worst of traffic.

Ted are working on a small garden in our apartment, and I hope it would work out. I tend to kill plants so I try not to meddle with them too much. Right now we have a pot of pandan, and 4 pots of cactus....with a bit TLC, I hope to have a small patch of gardens I can rest my weary eyes whenever I come home from work.

Merdeka Raya in IJN

2011-09-13T22:15:00.002+08:00

The 2 secretaries responsible for most of the decoration- Haslina and Zura

This year Malaysia celebrated Raya and Merdeka together. It is special for malaysian generally but for IJN specifically, we were encourage to decorate using these themes. Incentives are given which made the staff extra excited. The winning department will be given monetary reward. So everywhere you go in IJN, you will get to see what this year celebration is all about.

For our Paediatrics Cardiology Department, the clerks and secretaries were really creative. Our wall were so colourful with lights, flags and also very informative posters of what Malaysia is all about. Found out few information about our history

One wall was filled with pictures of famous historical pictures of Kuala Lumpur, now and then...which I found particularly interesting.

The forever bland cupboard were decorated with pictures of our Prime Ministers. They even pasted small details and about each Prime Minister. The girls out-did themselves. A lot went into the decorations. They deserve to win!

My contribution? Not much but since I was there when the judges for the contest arrived, I became the spoke person ( what the Malay would called- Bidan Terjun) to explained the story behind the decoration. I hope I didn't spoiled their chance to win.

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Remember Me

2011-09-12T02:55:00.000+08:00

This would be another blog about a movie.

I find the movie quite dark and gloomy, a far cry from my favourite romantic comedy movies. But the subject matters were riveting and it kept me interested till the end. It is actually a love drama about 2 troubled 21 years old who met, bond over their common past tragedies and finally fell in love. Of course there were some twist and turns in their love affairs but the biggest twist came at the end. I am never one to spoil a movie for those who hasn't seen it but let me just mention here that the movie is set in New York in September 2001.

In the movie, Robert Pattinson's character became the narrator which came out in the beginning and ending. And at both time he quoted Mahatma Ghandi which I found instrumental in making my connection to the movie and to the struggled of Pattinson's character. Realizing how important your actions could be to others despite how insignificant you think they are.

Whatever you do may seem insignificant to you, but it is most important that you do it.

Secret Recipe.

2011-09-11T22:35:00.003+08:00

It is a Sunday and it is a day to learn the delicious Cik Miah's Acar Buah. Actually my staff had asked for the acar for the Raya Lunch this Tuesday. How could I say no?

We bought most of the ingredients yesterday. I had the time of my life preparing the raw ingredients and taking pictures of them.
Today is the prep day in Mak's house. Ted insisted that I watch each step carefully. It is not something you can learn from a book. It is a secret pass down from mother to daughter, grandmother to grand-daughter... And in my case mother in law to daughter in law.

Mak has a lot more recipe that are traditional in her family. I am eager to learn and hopefully I pass it down to my daughter 1 day.

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Journey of the Bad Doing Good

2011-09-11T04:35:00.003+08:00

Last Raya Holiday was the longest I ever had in my life as a doctor. All these years, I either have to work right up to Raya or come back to work on the third Raya. So the decision to follow my parents back to Mersing was easy. We decided to invite Ted's parents along. We had a slow and easy drive to Mersing.

Unfortunately the trip was not as pleasant as we had hope it would be. The second day in Mersing started of fairly well for us. Ted & I woke up early and went shopping for breakfast. After meal we took Mak & Ayah for a ride around my hometown. We shopped for keropok and dried fish. Maneuvering ourselves at one of the intersection, suddenly out of no where, came a motorcyclist and rammed straight into my Matrix. He flipped on to our windshield and came crashing to the road. Needless to say, we were in shock and dreading the worst we all jumped out of the car. My heart nearly stopped when I discovered that the cyclist had a passenger, his 4 year old daughter. Fortunately both of them were conscious and talking. I hardly see any scratch on them.

We took them to the hospital and they checked out ok. Unfortunately, I can't say the same about his bike and our car. The usual negotiations about repairs came after that. But unlike any others that I know, the negotiations were fairly brief. Ted immediately said that he will pay for it all and there were no argument about that. Our car took more beating then the bike and Ted decided to pay for both. Conversations at home after that was a lot about whose fault the accident was and I thought it was unfair for us to pay for it all. But Ted's outburst later that night explained the reason why he wanted to pay for it all... it is all about doing something right for a change, at least for him.

It would have been too easy for all of us to make the police report and put the blame on the cyclist. To just leave Mersing and not bothered about what happen to the cyclist. Yes, it would be easy to do the wrong thing. The temptation to walk away was there and was dangling right in front of us. But Ted wanted to do the right thing here. For him it was a chance to redeemed for all the mistakes he had done in his past. He had taken so many journey in his life doing wrong and bad things. This could be a chance for him to do something right for a change. In his heart, he caused the accident and the right thing to do was pay for everything. So that was what he did.

In the end, bearing the cost for the whole accident was the right thing to do. It left his conscious clear. Despite being short a few thousand Ringgit after that, Ted maintained the self respect he had been trying to sustained all these years. He had decided to leave the dark life he led long time ago in his past and he had struggled to be good instead. But God will always test him to see if he would go back to the old ways. He knows there will be many more such temptations... he prays that he will prevail in making the right decisions to create better journey in his life, from the bad to the good.

Baby Blues

2011-09-08T21:28:00.000+08:00

Ted and I have been married for exactly 2 years 3 months. In that time, between the 2 of us we had seen 10 other couples unite in love. And till of date all of them had either conceived or had the experience of their first born. At work, 9 of my nurses became pregnant and all had delivered their babies. Another 2 are pregnant and happily going through the antenatal uneventfully....so far.

As for Ted and I, we are still trying and waiting. Every month, I counted my cycles and in batted breath wait for the telltale signs of my period. And each month of that 27 months, without failed, my menses came and confirmed that we have not conceived again. Time and time again, the sinking feeling of emptiness and failure came over me. In the first few months, I was hardly aware of that feeling. But lately, I noticed the feelings seemed to linger longer then the months before....especially when I see my pregnant friends and nurses. Of course I joked about them, how I scolded my nurses for not waiting and allowing me to be pregnant first before they do. I also tried the positive tone by telling me if they allow me to touch their beautiful pregnant belly, I might get it too, pretending that it is infectious. I also tried the denial bits, how I am not a mother material. Then there was the rationalization of the whole situation....that I am too old to be pregnant and it is stupid to think that I could. Only left are the bargaining and praying.....

With all the modern medicine and abandoned babies lying around me, there other possibilities of us having another child. But they are not something that I can consider now. What I want are being late in my menses, the joyful surprise of seeing the plus signs on the pregnancy test kit, the morning sickness, the gaining weight and seeing my belly grow, the uncomfortable part of swelling feet , the shopping for maternity dress, the pain of being in labour....and a lot more, spontaneously without effort.

I have seen women who failed when they became obsessed of getting pregnant. I refused to be one of them. I tell myself consciously that it will happened when it happened. No point dreading about it now. But I am afraid my conscious effort are draining my energy and my happiness away. Everyday, the weariness is more and more and I am so afraid that I can't accept being childless. Of course we have Aiman and that is a lot to be grateful for. But when Ted talked about the feeling of seeing and holding your first born for the first time the other day, I realized could not share the same joy and for the first time I was overcome with feeling of sadness about my whole situation. For the first time, I felt alone in this marriage and don't want this to eat me away....Maybe, it is about time I try the praying part huh????

Project 365 No 6: Cactus in Bloom

2011-09-07T23:59:00.000+08:00

Taken with my Blackberry Bold 9700. We stop over the Kluang agro Farm on our way back to KL from Mersing during this year Raya. more story about the trip later but for now....

Welcoming the Remedy Babies

2011-09-07T23:49:00.000+08:00

Edra Rafael

This year the Remedy family grew in number in the forms of 2 pairs of little feet. Edra Rafael and Alehandra Ahmad. Edra is 7 months older and Andra was delivered yesterday. May both of them grow up to be as talented and beautiful as their parents, responsible human beings, humble in every way, caring and loving sons to their Remedy parents. We all love you two so much.

Honouring A Hero

2011-09-05T02:40:00.000+08:00

Noramfaizul Mohd Nor was a Bernama Cameraman who was killed by a stray bullet while on a goodwill tour to Mogadishu,Somalia with Kelab Putera 1Malaysia. He went there with intentions to help the Somalian during the months of Ramadhan/Syawal 1432 and for that lost his life. if that is not a hero, I don't know what is.

I first heard about the news from a post by Kaduk and after much googling, I managed to get the full story. It is sad and tragic. But on the other hand I was thinking, he left this world in the most honourable way possible. From the Youtube posts, a lot of people send their condolences but a lot more were cursing the Somalian. My heart breaks a little when I read some of the unkind post. It is not fair to blame them. I believed that the best way to honour such a hero is not blaming the people he tried to help but to remember his good deed and just that. He gave his life and we should remember him. I love the way his mother described him as a loving and responsible son who never hurt her feelings. What a memory he left of himself to his mom....I wonder how many of us could leave such memories to our parents.

Merdeka Raya 2011/Syawal 1432

2011-09-04T01:46:00.000+08:00

In the last few years, Hari Raya in Malaysia has been having sort of double celebration. In 2003, we had the Kongsi-Raya. In 2005, it was the Deepa-Raya. Though a lot of criticism has been written over the years about this sort of double celebration which might deviate the true meaning of the Aidil Fitri celebrations for the muslims, I on the other hand always believed that a true muslim will know the deeper aspect of Aidil Fitri celebration and not be concern with whatever else that falls on the same day. It is after all a celebration of overcoming your triumph over hardship. And what better way then to celebrate it openly with your fellow men, muslim or non muslim, family or friends. In Malaysia, holding on to peace and harmony would be easier if we share whatever celebration we hold dearly individually together. So I always think that it helps us as Malaysians to have our celebration together, be it Kongsi-Raya or Deepa-Raya.

This year it is no different. Hari Raya falls on the same day as our Merdeka day. Now all Malaysians have reason to celebrate this holiday together....

Counting My Blessings

2011-08-27T06:03:00.002+08:00

5 days to Raya and I finally did my shopping. Ted is a great partner to shop with. We liked the first dress we saw the minute we entered Ampang Park but it was a bit too pricey for my pay check. It was elegant in simplicity, just what I wanted. To top it all of, Ted loves it and he compared it to what the late Yasmin Ahmad would wear. That idea itself was a huge enticement.

So I thought what the hell, I worked so hard so I deserve to indulge myself. Anyway, it is not everyday I go shopping for a dress. My "what the hell" attitude went a bit too far down the fiery hole cause I ended up buying 2 dresses and 2 blouses. The best part was we got a pair of Baju Melayu for Ted to match my dress a few shops away. Ampang Park is fast becoming my favourite place to shop.

We wanted steak for dinner and we got the best ones in town...in the old Coliseum, TAR Road. The meat was perfectly grilled and the mash potatoes just melt in my mouth. And I swear, they have the best cup of coffee in town. Well maybe second best, next to the one in Cafe@18.

I suggested a walk to digest the steak and we ended up in Sogo. TAR was packed with shoppers and I think half of them was in Sogo. Mad shoppers filled up every square foot of the place and the 'Mad Hatter' me ended up indulging myself (again) to something that I have been wanting for months. Not a hat but the super sexy "forbidden fruit"....

So my Raya shopping was complete, or so I thought. It would have been complete if only I got this in my size....

But I have to count my blessings. I lived in a country where people are free. We are free to work and free to spend the money that we earned. We are free to be anywhere without having to worry about bombs and curfews and harassment. If you have the means, you have the freedom as a consumer to get almost anything your heart desires.

I am counting my blessings today that I have this freedom in this country. I pray that my children's children would have the same luxury of freedom as I do....if not more.

p/s...I am getting that shoes tomorrow!!!!!!

Stupid Things

2011-08-23T21:31:00.002+08:00

Sorry

Freedom Of Choice

2011-08-23T20:31:00.002+08:00

You can't force anybody to like something or someone. It boils down to the freedom of choice. You either put up with what you don't like and deal with it quietly or stay away from them altogether. And if you don't want to choose, you let somebody else do it for you. Once that is done, accept it and moved on.

I Like You.

2011-08-21T22:20:00.003+08:00

A lot of people say the most powerful 3 words are I LOVE YOU. I beg to differ.

Love is such a powerful word, in a lot of ways. And it can mean differently to different people or situation> A mother's love are different from a father's love. Your siblings can love you because it is a given and a friends' love are some feeling that grew over years of going through moments together and mostly the crazier and happier times. A lover's love are spoken over lust and and the way I see it sometimes it doesn't last. So when you fell in love with someone, it is just because the feelings are true to that moment when you look into that person's eyes and feel that butterfly knot at the pit of your stomach. But like any other sensation that appears in your gut, it will dissipate after a while.
But hearing someone actually telling you that he likes you, that would be the ultimate true testament. That the feeling won't disappear. I like you...means that he likes the good that he sees in you but also he would be able to take the bad too. He likes your loudness and your quietness all at the same time. He likes that you are quirky at times and probably like that you have all your mental capacities intact all the time. He probably would be able to swallow that atrocious nasi goreng you made because he likes that you made an effort to cook. He probably would like to hold your hands or cuddle you just because he knows you like that.

Liking someone is not just enjoying the best of you but also accepting the worst of you. And it is the truest feeling anybody could have of you....and you can't fake it. If you don't like someone, you just can't stand being with him/her. You just can't.
Whats worst is what if you feel that you are not like.... Would you want to be around someone who doesn't like you? I would not, I rather not. But I would do almost anything to be like... would try my best to do things that would make him happy. Agreed whenever he asked and never say no. And maybe would never asked for anything that he would not want to do..... I am the kind of person that love to be like, and it is my burden that I carry. The burden of wanting to please everyone.

Alone

2011-08-20T03:19:00.001+08:00

It is funny how when you are left alone with your thoughts, how far you can go. You can be here in the presence where reality is and then it becomes blurry when the thoughts of the past suddenly crept in. And in split seconds your thoughts takes you to the future, of how you see yourself tomorrow or in 10 years to come. Somehow in thoughts, times sometimes overlap each other. Like a song I heard....a fool will loose tomorrow, reaching out to yesterday..... I don't want to be like this. So I won't let my past control what I do today and in the end loose whatever future I might have.

Reflections

2011-08-19T02:48:00.000+08:00

Ted is off to Perak for a training. Left early this morning after sahur and I missed him immediately. We are hardly apart and I never like the idea of him being away. But his work does take him everywhere, unlike mine that have 9 to 5 job.

When he is away, I have so many plans....clean the apartment, organize the kitchen, reorganize my wardrobe and so many more. For now, those are still plans. I ended up going back to Seremban to berbuka with Ibu. She called earlier last night and said it was her turned to cook for moreh and thought it would be good for me to come back since they have tahlil for my grandparents and Mama. How could I say no. So I drove back to Seremban after work. Times like this made me grateful that Ibu is just an hour away. I am so blessed in so many ways and living close to my parents are one of those blessings.

Ibu was happy and she even allowed me a short nap. She understand about my work more then I realized. The berbuka was chaotic as it is Thursday night and most of the Taman Bukit Kelana residents came for the prayer. But I loved it, it was nice to see how close knit our neighbourhood is. Prayers were brief and easy. I helped to wash dishes, as usual.

But what really got me tonight was the tahlil. Hearing the names of my loved ones that passed brought back a melancholic sort of feelings. Tok Rahim, Tok Taib, Tok Cu, Tok Ling, Mama....I missed them more then I like to admit. I wish that they are still around to see me where I am, to see us family happy. I hope wherever they are, they know this. Today, prayers were sent out to them in heaven. I wonder if I would have the same strength and capacity when I have to do similar act for my parents when they are gone. I don't know why this thought came to me today. It is not something that I would wish for but I know there will come a day where prayers would be the only thing I could offer. I just wonder if I could do them justice as they had done for their parents..... I pray that God will give the capacity to remember this when the time comes.

Apabila mati seseorang anak Adam itu, terputus ia semua hal kecuali 3 perkara:
1) Doa anak-anak yang soleh
2) Ilmu yang bermanfaat
3) Sedekah amal jariah

Ramadhan Restraints

2011-08-16T22:19:00.000+08:00

We are on our halfway mark in this Ramadhan. It has been a quiet one. Hardly eat out and we spend our nights at home. Ted has outdone himself in terms of cooking. He has been experimenting and the results are amazing. I think I have been eating more this Ramadhan then any time of the year. Oh well, at least I restraint myself from gossiping and speaking ill of others. Not that I do that at all any other time.

Ted's lasagna. This after we got our pastry roll machine and Ted was adamant in getting the dough right. He did!

The ultimate Ted's Burger. Had it for sahur.

Grilled Satchi on Spinach Bed, with grilled onion and tomatoes. Ted's signature dish, one of the first he ever cooked for me

Crispy grilled chicken with Fajitas. I love the crispy skin.


Ted's version of the Egg Tart...melt in my mouth. We were excited about the steel mould, got them at a steal in Jusco


Sticky Rice with fried Chicken and Shallots, inspired by our trip to Hat Yai

Useless Ranting

2011-08-13T00:50:00.000+08:00

It is difficult for me to stay inspired. There are so many things that I want to do and yet I am too lazy or just uninspired to start them. I am having one of those time where everything interest me but none of them are taking me anywhere. I am happy where I am but long to be somewhere else. I am not driven by work nor anything else personally. Feel useless at home and I can't seem to do anything right anymore. All I do is play Zuma, and it is fast becoming an obsession. an obsession that fills this void that is taking over me.

I need to be in control again because this is totally useless....this ranting and complaining. What am I to do?????

Make You Feel My Love - Part 2

2011-08-06T21:43:00.000+08:00

I love this acoustic version...allows me to sing along

Bryan Rason

Make You Feel My Love

2011-08-06T16:37:00.000+08:00

The first self portrait taken of us...which now become our tradition, wherever we go

It is Saturday and was watching Bones reruns. The final episode for Season 6 was playing and at the end of the show they had this song playing in the background...To Make You Feel My Love by Adele. I could here it in the background and immediately drawn to it. Google it and found out it is a song by Bob Dylan written years ago. I was not surprised that such deep lyrics and beautiful tune came from a passionate song writer. What he wrote brought out a feeling that was familiar to me years ago when I dated Ted.

As any couple we had our ups and downs, and yes it was roller coaster ride. The kind that you could only get if you put 2 passionate people together. I guess at one point, Ted was at a cross road and he just disappeared. No fights, no words, no explanation. I was left confused and almost gave up on the relationship. I think I did at the end, just before he came back. And when he did came back, he was meant to stay. Yes we made up and got married 6 months after that.

The lyrics of this song brought out all the feelings I had for him before that final surrender. But I guess when I surrendered, it was not me giving up but it simply meant that I did all I could to have him back and simply wait if he would fight for me too.

The Lyrics:

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows
And the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong

I'd go hungry
I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
Though winds of change
Are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing like me yet

I could make you happy
Make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love

Hat Yai Express

2011-08-03T23:16:00.000+08:00

The weekend before fasting started, I took leave. Intention was to complete my diving course but that was not to be. Ted came home Friday afternoon and surprise me with 2 tickets to Hat Yai that night. We have been talking about backpacking across Asia for the longest time, ever since he got our Osprey.

So now we got the chance to do so. I was excited immediately. We tried to book rooms from the internet but failed, so in Ted's words... we rock & roll to Hat Yai.

Everything about the trip was an adventure. Arrived in Bukit Kayu Hitam in the wee hour of the morning before we get to cross the border. Arrived in Hat Yai at 7 am and after 6 failed attempts to get a room, we ended up in a travel agency and finally got a room in Hat Yai Central. We got a room with no windows so day and night were no difference to us.

Too early to smile

For the next 3 days, we ate, walked, enjoyed each others company.....one of the best holiday I ever had.

everything fried and serve with pulut on the side

Trying to make the sotong kering

Our favourite shop in Hat Yai...7 Eleven

We even made new friends on our way back to KL. Ben (a musician, just like Ted) and Osla who were transiting in KL on their way back to UK got on the same bus we did. We became fast friends, and in KL for about 6 hours, Ted played host to them. They flew back safely that afternoon and hopefully had a nice memory of KL even if it was briefly.

Hat Yai was a wonderful surprise for me. I said it before, any trip can be wonderful, if you are surrounded by great company....

Hairel Taufiq

2011-07-23T01:39:00.000+08:00

Today I got a call from Hasana in Melor regarding Hairil Taufiq. He passed away this morning in Batu Pahat.
Hairil would be about 11 month now. He was warded in Melor in March and left us in May. One of the longest staying patient we had. I was amazed by the mother's patience. Not once she complaint. When he left, I was so happy for him.
Today, a piece of my heart went with him. Shed another tears for another patient that stole my heart...
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Building A Rainbow at the End of The Yellow Brick Road

2011-07-10T19:19:00.001+08:00

09072011 will be marked in Malaysian history as the day the people spoke out against corrupted electoral system in this country.

I am not a voter. I guess it was my quiet way fighting the election. Always think that it is a sham and never believe that whoever I choose as my representatives never had my best interest. Don't want to be a part of something that is a huge lie!

But today, seeing my fellow Malaysians taking the long walk, I started to think that maybe there is still hope for us to be a country that is truly democratic. After all, regardless of which side we are....we all want the same thing. Peace and freedom.

Today, I pray quietly as I watched the sea of yellow wave...hoping that we could find a rainbow at the end of the yellow brick road.

The Prayer

Lost Memory

2011-07-10T04:09:00.002+08:00

STAY

The Strength Of Love

2011-07-08T21:55:00.001+08:00

I saw this movie a few days ago. It is a tear jerker, made my face and eyes swollen and I loved it. Cameron Diaz was outstanding in a character I would have never thought she could ever bee chosen for. And Abigail Breslin is one of those child actor that you know going to be great one day.

The movie unfolds the different levels of love when face by unimaginable amount of griefs. How a mother's love would not allow her to surrender to the fate that was dealt to her child. How a father's love allows him to show strength quietly, the strength to stop fighting and surrender. How a brother's love are given unconditionally despite him being deprived of the attention that any child requires when he himself are dealt with disability. And finally a sister's love, whom would sacrifice anything even her body and health, but to finally show love by sacrificing her own relationship with the rest of the family.

One of the best movie I ever seen...it is all about love, life and sacrifices. How in death....you are given the chance to live.

My Marcus

2011-07-07T18:42:00.002+08:00

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Well this is another blog about another patient of mine. He has a long story in IJN. Been here since April 11th and has been under my care in most part. So needless to say, I am fairly attached to him.

He is on his road to recovery, and will leave us soon. I would love to write in detail about how much he kick up a fuss when we put BIPAP on him, or how peaceful he looks when he sleeps, or the time where we had to change his arterial cannulations 4 days in a row...or how he had grown deep in my heart...but I shall not.

This is just a short note to remind me of my Marcus, and how I would not miss him, not even a little bit, even if I never see him again...
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A New Skill....not yet

2011-06-10T03:55:00.001+08:00

I thought last weekend was going to be a hell of an adventure for me. But I guessed what Ted said early, could have some truth in it.... Want to make God laugh, tell Him your plan!

It was planned a month ahead. It started of as a spur of a moment thing when I saw the deal in Groupon - PADI License for Open Water Diving classes for half the price. Without really thinking twice, I bought the deal for Aiman and I. Ted & I have been talking about diving a long time ago and I thought why not do it now. Half a price for a license and a holiday package of 3 days and 2 nights in Perhentian was a deal hard to let go. So Aiman & I were off to our theory classes and close-pool classes in the next few weeks. Theory was a breeze for me but Aiman struggled. As for the practical, we went on the opposite directions. Aiman was a natural and I struggled with my fear for the deep open water. Not wanting to give up, we went ahead with the trip to Perhentian to finish up the last part of the course...the open water.

We had a fun trip driving up to Kuala Besut, stopping in Kuala Lipis for lunch and enjoying the view as we drove along.

Arrived in KB early in the evening and checked into one of the local inns. After dinner at a local restaurant that cost a bomb ( RM 21 for a tom yam soup and fried noodle), Aiman & I parked ourselves in our room, revising the theory of diving. We slept early....

The boat ride to the Island was another thrilled for me. We got a quaint chalet near the reception and near enough to the beach, I could here the sound of the waves constantly. Peace and serenity......

Well we were in heaven on earth. Everything was beautiful, everyone was friendly and I was surrounded by the people I love.

Our first class in the open water started that afternoon...and everything stopped, at least for me. I did not survive the 5 meter descend. Being that deep in the open vast blue ocean SCARRED the living daylight over me. Suffice to say that I spend the next hour on the boat while Aiman continued with his new adventure. Ted kept me company. The next day while Aiman and Ted continued their adventure underwater, I stayed beached on the shore, contemplating my new found fear while practicing my old hobby...photography.

I took a lot more than I could imagine....had the whole day by myself to horn my technique and artistic impressions. But the whole time I was thinking about not being able to dive. It was a revelation. Always thought of myself as a water baby....love swimming and the water. But it has always been in the surface. being deep in the water was totally new and scary. I was not even excited. Talked about it that night with Ted, and I decided to not give up. I am one of those people that will have to take the long journey.

The next day, Aiman completed his course and got his license. I was so proud and happy for him. The amazing part was he passed his theory with flying colours....sat for almost 3 hours doing the test while the questions were translated to him by our instructor Zamani, word for word.

Last day in the island, I chose to not give up. I gathered my courage and went in again with Zamani for a one on one practical coaching. We didn't go far and I managed to stay underwater for a good 40 minutes without surfacing. Mind you, I was still scared but I managed to control my fear. It was a relieved.

I will do this again next month....I will get that Diving Licence. It is a skill and a hobby that I would love. It may not be now...but soon.

Trying to be Interested

2011-05-23T09:14:00.000+08:00

It is Monday. The week is just beginning... Already I am sitting in a meeting that neither interesting nor has any interest in me. Attending a meeting where you are the passive listener rather then the active participant is the worst thing to be doing when free flow of Nescafe is available. Having my fourth cup now and I am not even a coffee drinker. Be still my dancing legs!!!!
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Project 365 No 5: Setapak At Night

2011-04-14T20:47:00.000+08:00

Nikon D200, f/5.6, 1/4sec

This was taken a few nights ago. I love our apartment view at night.

CAKE For Iqbal

2011-04-08T19:47:00.001+08:00

This is a sequel to my last blog about Iqbal and his wish.

He asked for a cake shaped like a truck 3 days ago. I put up the request in Facebook immediately and the response was amazing. What was more amazing was when Asnida put up his story in her Facebook and the response was overwhelming. A group of Outsource Caterer managed to get the cake to him the very next day. They came all the way from Mantin Negeri Sembilan and the cake was perfect. They even refused payment.

En Hamzah, En. Abd Rahman and Pn Ana...Angels in our midst

On that day itself, Iqbal got 2 other cakes from Rakan IJN and another NGO. Both shaped like trucks.

Today, Asnida called me early morning and said that she has another cake for Iqbal made by her neighbour. I thought why not. Iqbal asked for only a cake but he got 4 in total. Murah nya rezeki anak ini!

The Firefighter truck from Pn Lin

I was amazed by the willingness of strangers to fullfilled a wish by a child that they don't even know! A lot of angels out there and I am so grateful that my decision to send the wish to others was met with overwhelming response. Just like what Ted said, it would have been good to get the cake for Iqbal myself but to actually shared and allowed others to contribute was what this journey of giving is all about. Sharing the act of giving is more rewarding then I could imagine. Contribution And Kinship Experienced = CAKE for Iqbal story is an example of how in the act of giving....you get more.

Hoping For Miracle

2011-04-07T03:41:00.000+08:00

Iqbal Fahreen is a 4 year old boy with a heart condition that was operable/correctable. But luck was never been on his side. From the beginning he had been put to the test on how strong he could held on. The fist surgery performed during his infancy put him in the hospital for months. He was so sick, I thought he would never pull through. But after 3 months we sent him home.

He was readmitted almost a year after that for another surgery when we found a block in one of the vessel. That admission was stormy to say the least. And yet again, he survived. Unfortunately, he couldn't stay away from us too long. He was readmitted few months after that with similar complications. Surgery was a bit too much so we thought a stent would be helpful. That also did not last. He came back to us last year, heart failing. Further tests showed the stent failed and his heart could not cope. A few months ago, decision was made by our team that nothing more can be done. There were only so much we could do but God had different plan. His parents took the news calmly...and they understood. Iqbal was sent home...and I pray that He would make it easier for him now.

But I guess again, God had a different plan. 2 weeks ago, his mom brought him back to us. His condition worsened but he is holding on. He is blue, bloated and uncomfortable most of the time and mom just want us to help him stay comfortable. So we admitted Iqbal and he is still holding on.

Every morning my routine rounds in the ward would include me popping by in his room, talking to his mom asking if he is comfortable. I never stay longer then a few minutes. For one thing, Iqbal is never happy to see me and for another, my heart breaks a little bit more with every single minute I am with him. So I stay away as much as possible. But today, I stayed longer. Chatting with his mom more then usual, I found out that Iqbal wanted a truck-shaped cake. Mom has made some arrangement for him to get one on Saturday but I was so afraid he won't last that long. 3 days can be a short while for those who rejoice, but for those who waits....it may never come.

So today I tried to get a such cake around Ampang/Setapak. I also tried posting request in Facebook. Luckily Asnida did the same thing and she managed to enroll a friend of a friend to bake him a cake tonight so that he can get one tomorrow....

I guess despite the tumultuous journey he went through all this years, God is finally answering his wish, even at this last moment. At least once in his lifetime, he will have this easy. Only for tonight, I am praying for his life to be a bit longer for him so that he will get his wish....

Project 365 No 4: Child at Play 2

2011-04-01T01:20:00.000+08:00

These were taken last year Raya at Haris' parents new home. I had fun taking these.
Here they are especially for you Aida

Nikon D200, f/4, 1/160, ISO 320, 50 mm

Nikon D200, f/2.5, 1/160, ISO 320, 50 mm, +3 step

Nikon D200, f/2, 1/160, ISO 320, 50 mm, +7 step

Reunions Week

2011-04-01T00:13:00.000+08:00

I read somewhere that true friends are the kind that remained close to you despite long absence... when you finally meet up, you pick up where you left of, never questioning why you never kept in touch in the first place.

I am so blessed this week that I had not just 1 reunion with some old friends but 3 reunions. Each one was special in its own way, filled with old stories and some new ones.

Last Sunday 27th March, I had brunch with the girls from my time in Seremban. Even though there were 2 missing girls, we had a ball of laughter. Old gossips intermingled with new ones. Airena picked a great place where we can enjoy good food and company. Cindy and Kerith took time away from their families to spend with us and it was a long overdue get together. None of us had changed much, still close knit and chatter box as always. It was great to see that all of us are in good places.

Then last Tuesday 29th March, we gals went to watch Lat Kampung Boy The Musical. Though it is not really a reunion of sort, but I caught up with Zila, Airena, Ai Leen and Sheela. I laughed so hard, my head hurts. Harith did an awesome job. He is a great entertainer for sure but with Lat he proved that he is also a great writer and director.

And tonight I caught up with a long lost friend Raoul. He disappeared a year ago. I heard rumours about him and tried to contact him but somehow he never returned my calls nor answer my messages. 2 days ago, I suddenly got an sms from him, wanting to meet up. When we finally did tonight, it was great. we talked and laughed.... he is still the old reliable Raoul that I know.

Friends are hard to find, even harder to maintained when you moved apart.... but you know you have a true friend when despite the distance, the love and the care never dwindled.

Project 365 No 3: Child at Play

2011-03-27T18:06:00.002+08:00

I love taking candid shots. But the problem sometimes are that they never turned out good and faces are always blurry. This is taken of Aszra and I got her just at the right moment. Playing outside her house while waiting to for our Birthday dinner last Saturday. I thought the blurry background is just the right exposure.

Nikon D200, f/7.1, 1/200, ISO 400 at 200mm

Project 365 No 2: Hands That Rock The Cradle

2011-03-22T00:51:00.002+08:00

This was taken after my DSLR for Beginner class on 6th March 2011. Went to Aida's place in Sunway Kayangan for late dinner with Ibu, Ayah and Aida's family. So you can imagine how excited I was trying out my new skill. This was taken at a spur of the moment and I loved it. Ayah's strong hand against Ibu's silhouette...talk about DRAMA. Wish it was less shadowy and grainy.

Nikon D200; 42 mm; f/5; 1/25; ISO 1000

New Project

2011-03-21T20:55:00.002+08:00

Ok...I am a novice photographer....with a passion.
A friend in Facebook is doing Project 365 where he would upload a photo a day which sounds a load of fun to me. He is a fantastic photographer, so his pictures are breathtaking. I don't have that much confident yet, so I thought I put up my photos here. I am trying to do it on a daily basis. So I am converting this blog into a photo/rambling record of my life events, thoughts and ideas.... Let see if I show any improvement in a year.

This way, I can still update my blog without writing especially when I am faced with writers' block!

This is what I called...

Project 365 No 1: Just Hanging Around

This was taken on our Setapak balcony. Washed and hung Ted's white shirt and thought it looked pretty cool hanging out against the cloudy weather. I had to take about 10 shots before I got these 2 ... changing the position and framing as I go along. I like the silhouette effect KLCC and KL Tower in the background


Nikon 200; 42 mm; f/5; 1/160 sec; ISO 800

Nikon 200; 42 mm; f/5; 1/250 sec; ISO 800

I Am 39

2011-03-20T17:42:00.000+08:00

2011 is my last year to be the so called 30 something. Next year I hit the big 40. Funny that the number 4 is placed in the same tab as $ sign in the QWERTY keyboard. Does this mean that I probably will be rich by next year? ( Just an after thought)

I took leave on my day of birth. Thank God I did cause my car broke down on the way back from Genting and we ended up spending the day waiting for the car to be fix. But all was not wasted. For the first time in a long while, Ted and I spend the whole day together, just being with each other. He showed me KL from a different perspective....inside the KL public transport. We were in monorail, then walked around and again on the KL rail. It was fun and I enjoyed myself. Always told him that I wanted to try the public transport but never had enough courage to do it alone....

At the monorail station near Chow Kit Road on our way to Berjaya Time Square

Discovered a new eating place in Berjaya Time Square

On our back to Keramat on KL Rail

At the spur of the moment, we went to Hard Rock Cafe that night. Had a quaint dinner, just the 2 of us. Then we sat and listen to a band from Bali... the T-Rex. They were pretty good. We left early before the second set.... even though the night was short, I had fun just spending my time with my Ted.

Oh yeah....almost forgot. I baked my first carrot cake ever. It was a bit too sweet but people at work loved it.

We spend the next night with the Remedy family to celebrate both Mel and my birthday....had a feast of seafood in Jalan Alor!!

A New Hobby....Food For Soul

2011-03-18T22:00:00.001+08:00

Last 5th March I finally signed up for a class for a hobby that I have always fooled around with but have no idea what it is all about....photography. I have been fooling around with cameras since I was in school, love taking photos of people and the surrounding. I was even in the Photography Club. Didn't really do much for me, but I was never disheartened. Still took a lot of photos after that but with an automatic camera. I inherited my father's old SLR Nikon camera and loved using it whenever I could. it is still with me but since the Digital era became famous, it has been retired and kept safe in Seremban.

Then Ted flared up my passion for it when he bought Nikon 200 just after we married. He always wanted a DSLR and he knew I love photography.

Lucky for me, the class only consist of 2 students and both of us are novices with passions. So the class was a load of fun and we interacted well with our tutor, Kamell and Azizi, both are professional photographer. The best part, Kamell was using the same camera as I did. So we were taught on the use of ISO, Shutter Speed, Aperture sizes so as to get the perfect pictures. He explained them with such eased that all those alien numbers on my camera suddenly made sense. They also thought us the art of taking photos....the framing, the photo lines, the placement of subjects.

Here are the results of those classes....I am so proud and happy. Finally being able to put up what I see and visualized in posterity, to look at them exactly as when I first saw them.

Hikayat Merong Mahawangsa.... A Disappointment

2011-03-13T02:02:00.002+08:00

I was very excited about Hikayat Merong Mahawangsa, an epic movie about a descendant of Alexander the Great who finally found home. Sounds enticing, doesn't it? Watching the trailer and listening to the soundtrack did. Like a slice of 4 layered chocolate cake, when you are having a chocolate craving! I bought the ticket online after an on call day that was so tiring, I felt I would not survive the post call day. But I did, knowing that I would finally get to see a movie locally made but with an international budget and technology, not to forget an almost international casts of great Shakespearean actors.

But alas I was a bit wee disappointed. Even though Rahman-Hughes played the character well, I thought the character Merong was a bit unbelievable. In fact the storyline was lame. A wayward seaman who purpose in life was to deflowered every maiden he sets his eyes on, suddenly turned noble and trustworthy to help a Roman prince find his bride? The screenplay was weak but due to the strong casting, I could only say that the movie was OK.

Fortunately, the movie was saved by great CGI effect and set design. Most of the costume looked superbly designed and made, except for Datuk Rahim Razali's unrealistic 'mop' that were placed precariously on his head. The CGI would have been perfect if only they were strict with details (noticed the still palm trees during the thunder storm) The soundtrack in Malay was great too but honestly, the English version sounds like a cut and pasted lyrics of a bad rock songs.

Anyway, overall the project was a good try to create a globally accepted movie full of international standard special effects. It was not bad but then again it is definitely not great! The Malaysian movie makers have a long way to go before they can actually satisfied me. But I heard great reviews from many friends....fortunately, I am accustomed to being the minority.

Stop Wanting

2011-03-09T01:13:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I can't express myself verbally well enough. What I need, who I want to be, where I want to go, when I want what I need .... sometimes these get jumble up in my head and when it comes out through my mouth, they just become gibberish, utter rubbish and makes no sense at all, even to me. Someone said before that he doesn't believe anything that comes out through my mouth. If only he knew how much that still haunts me.

But I like to think that I write eloquently. Expressing myself in written words come out smoothly just like tears that I cried when I am sad or even happy.

I believed that I am an independent person, capable of almost anything, efficient when given a task. But all these are characteristics that can be misunderstood as distance, hardheaded, and workaholic. The fact is I am not.... I may be hard on the outside, but inside, I am a softy.... an idealist .... a hopeless romantic. My heart breaks every time when I try to express myself, it is thought of as a demand, a wimp of fancy that are trivial....

I long to be pampered and adored.... to be held more then a second, not making it the perfunctory duty to do so. I won't ask for it but how I wish that it would be done occasionally, just because it feels natural....because it is right. It looses its magic if asked.

So I will stop asking..... I will build a wall of steel and ice. If I stop wanting it....then maybe one day, I won't need it so much anymore. I am so so so very tired of chasing cars that won't stop even for me.....

By the way....Happy International Woman's Day for all those women out there who are the pillars of strength in all who they support, never asking for anything in return. Nevertheless, today is the day that you are recognized, seen and heard....even if you are the only one that do.

Everybody's Fine

2011-03-02T00:35:00.002+08:00

Most people can't accept the truth. This movie looked at that very subject in the most common situation.... how a family dynamic revolves around the truth and the lies each member carries. Robert De Niro plays a father who after the death of his wife of 40 years discovered that he does not know anything about the lives of his 4 children. Each of them spun web of lies around him so that he would be spared the hurt of knowing the bitter truth about their not so perfect lives.

I can relate so well to this. My family kept a lot of truth away from my mom so that she won't be hurt. Our intentions are good but the truth is....they are still lies. And lies can hurt people too.....

But like I said earlier, most people can't accept the truth. So the question is, do we become bastards telling the truth or do we think we are being kind by telling lies?

Maybe it is not the others.... maybe it is I who can't handle the truth?

A Little Bit More Then Forever....Sedetik Lebih Selepas Selamanya

2011-02-27T02:05:00.001+08:00

I have a new favourite song. Can't stop listening to it. The lyrics are so beautiful, more then the song itself....

Sedetik Lebih video

Lirik Lagu: Sedetik Lebih (OST Merong Mahawangsa)
Artis / Penyanyi: Anuar Zain

Setiap nafas yang dihembus
Setiap degupan jantung
Aku selalu memikirkanmu
Dalam sedar dibuai angan
Dalam tidur dan khayalan
Aku selalu memikirkanmu
(*)
Ternyata ku perlukan cinta
Dari dirimu sayang
Barulah terasa ku bernyawa
(**)
Kasihku, ku amat mencintai kamu
Kerna kau beri erti hidup
Ku kan terus mencinta sedetik lebih
Selepas selamanya
Di kala penuh ketakutan
Dengan badai kehidupan
Ku bersyukur adanya kamu
Biarlah kehilangan semua
Yang dimiliki di dunia
Asal masih adanya kamu
(Ulang *)
(Ulang **) (Ulang 3x)

Malas

2010-12-30T16:26:00.000+08:00

The last few weeks have been quite eventful....I am too lazy to blog. Hopefully my love for writing will come back. For now.......

Triggering My Olfactory Memory

2010-11-22T21:46:00.000+08:00

My grandmother died when I was still in India studying... that seemed ages ago. But I was home for the funeral so I did have my goodbyes with her.

I haven't thought of her for a long long time but recently, from a chanced encounter I was reminded of her. Tuk Cu used to apply a certain kind of hair oil. I don't exactly remember the name but I know the bottle and the smell. A few days ago, I saw the bottle in Mydin. I clutched it close to me and purchased it even though I don't use any hair oil. Immediately open the bottle at home.....and the smell took me back to the times when I followed my grandmother around visiting her children. I was practically raised by her in my early years because my parents stayed with her during their early part of their marriage. Then when my parents moved away, I still stayed with her. Sadly, I can't recollect events when I was with her, but I do remember her smell....and this particular hair oil have her smell. The smell gives me comfort and happiness. I love Tuk Cu dearly and today I missed her. Wish she could be here to see me happy, because I know Tuk Cu would have love to see me happy.

One Reason

2010-11-03T22:33:00.000+08:00

How do I know if I ever made the right choice?One of those moment when I knew I married the right man was when I see him with children... The spontaneous fun, the uninhibited game play, the unconditional love. I am blessed.
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Another Double Wedding Weekend

2010-10-29T20:45:00.000+08:00

This month of October is full of weddings. We are so blessed to be a part of these unions. Remind me so much of my own wedding and how it is all about celebrating couples in the most purest of forms.... celebrating love!

Congratulation to Steven & Emily and Puteri and Rudi.

Its His Party

2010-10-23T19:55:00.000+08:00

Today, Ted Adzelan turned 45 years old. Exactly 12 midnight on 23rd October 2010, 7 of Mak's bakawali bloomed. Mak said it is the 7 angels that are guarding him. I think it is so true. Ted is so lucky in more ways then one.

He is so talented. Gifted with the ability to sing and plays the guitar, good enough to be able to entertained people. Not only that, he has a heart big enough to be filled with love for this universe, and I know a lot of people will vouch for this. He is passionate in what he does. Rarely I see him do anything halfheartedly. He will see everything till the end, until he can't go on anymore. The way he sees it, if you say yes to something, you better produced the best possible results.

I rarely see him unhappy. He believes in creating happiness and being 'not in the mood' just does not exist in him. Ted has so many opportunities to make it big in the entertainment industries but he is not driven by fame and fortune. If he ever wanted anything from his work, it is appreciation and to be given his worth.Though a lot of people don't see this, others that ever mattered does. So Ted only surround himself with people that matters to him.... selected people that he cares and love. So Ted is lucky in more ways then one....because he is surrounded by guardian angels in many levels and he stays true to himself.

2 Weddings & A Reunion

2010-10-13T03:49:00.000+08:00

10102010....what a day it was! We woke up in Setapak post-Tulip-Journey the day before. Laze around the apartment feeling the anxiety of the day ahead. Mostly because I have no idea of what to wear for the 2 weddings that day, partly because I will be reunited with some old friends which I haven't seen in ages....some more then 10 years. But thank God for the CWAKA Rovers that spend the night, my anxiety was masked and I did not have any panic attack.

We left for Aqasha & Zura's wedding in Sg Besi a little over 2 pm and Ted drove like a mad man, praying we won't be late. We miss a turn into the area which turned out to be a blessing. As we arrived at the roundabout into the Taman, we ran into the Groom's convoy and ended up joining them at the bride's home.

Aqasha looked regal in yellow surrounded by the turquoise-theme entourage. Mel and I immediately made our way up to see Zura, who looked radiant & glowing in her matching dress. She was calm and composed and beautiful.

Aqasha recited the Nikah in 1 breath and we rejoiced. So happy for them and now we can't wait for the reception on the 25th December!

We rushed back to Setapak after that to get ready for Mus's wedding. Surprisingly I remained calmed thinking of the reunion. Turned out my anxiety was just my imagination....met up with Zila, Liza, Nizam, Mark, Madi, Abg Jeff and Kak Lin....and a few others and we took off like we were never separated. The biggest surprise was that Sharm was there and it was lovely to see her again.

Mus & Halina made a perfect looking couple, equally gorgeous and regal. I shall not be able to list down the VIPs in attendance as there were many.... and a lot of the guest were star-struck! To me the whole thing was an event as there were many foreign Astronauts, not forgetting the Royal Family of Saudi of Arabia. My friend Mus has come a long way since our days in Manipal. So very proud of him. Another proud fact is that Halina's dress was created by my Georgian friend Ariff.....I am just blessed with talented and well-known friends.

We had a bit of a child-like fun when Mark suggested we take pictures at the VIP table, Dias and the wedding cake. Felt like old time....days when we were young again. Those were the days of reckless behaviour, innocent fun, unlimited possibilities! ....We never lost that child-like feelings!

Following the Yellow Brick Road

2010-10-12T20:51:00.002+08:00

On the 9th of October, CWAKA Rovers-Pelopor set out on a tulip journey to track the treasure hunt route for The Pelopor's next adventure. Our Journey starts from the night before, learning about tulip from Sir Ted.That in itself was a journey... learning something new about the world of treasure hunting.

We started the morning from Setapak later then we anticipated but made our way to Putrajaya just fine. weather was great and along the way we had a load of fun taking photos.

The end of our tulip tracking was at the Institute of Accountancy in Sabak Bernam. The place is impressive but we found a shore full of shells and that made the whole journey worthwhile.

From Sabak Bernam, we had to rush back to KL but unfortunately there were an accident in Subang. One of CWAKA's proudest moment happened.... we basically took over the unfortunate event while waiting for the authority to arrive. Zaim, Ted and Haidy controlled the traffic, I tried to resuscitate the victim while Zila and Fiza patiently prayed for everyone. It was Zaim's idea to stopped and helped....which took a lot of courage. Fiza who was driving,without hesitation, stopped our car. Adrenaline pumping & we rushed to the scene. Unfortunately, we could not save the victim.....

I had to commend Fiza who waited patiently because we were actually rushing to get back so that Fiza can deliver wedding cupcakes that was ordered earlier. So at midnight, after all the rush, she sat down and created the deliciously beautiful cupcakes in serenity. It was amazing how a situation changed... from chaos to calm just in a night.

But we followed the yellow brick road to wherever it took us....each playing our part. At the end of the journey we found courage, ideas, love and most importantly, we bonded.

Poor Men's Dinner

2010-10-08T21:51:00.000+08:00

We haven't had a home cook meal for a while. Kitchen was not set up properly until recently. But 2 nights ago, we finally had our first home cook dinner at our new home. Ted cooked fish and vegetable and I made Poor Man's pasta. Simple and nice. took us less then half hour to prepare and we just enjoyed our first dinner together here....our style.

Our Dream Came True

2010-10-06T01:54:00.000+08:00

One of the reason why we eagerly set up this home in Setapak is to host dinner for friends and family. Last Friday, this dream came true. Even though it is not 100% complete, we decided to host our first dinner party. We invited only a few and the turn out was more then we could ever wish for.

We dressed up in our Chef costume and Ted prepared the most delicious Gourmet meal ever. Each plate was cook with love. Tender Chicken in Brown Sauce, Crispy Salmon in Cream Lemon Sauce and Meatballs Surprise with Loganberry. I made the starter Beef Stew with Garlic Baguette and Nachos with Ted's infamous Salsa dip. To end it all, they were served with my Chocolate Walnut Brownies flavored with double scoop of Vanilla ice cream.

The fun part was seeing them enjoyed each plate, laughing and talking. Some played the mini pool but most of us just sat and enjoyed each others company. Chef Ted even entertain us afterward, which I enjoyed the most.
The last guest left very late....that made the whole night worth having again.

Lost

2010-09-23T22:53:00.000+08:00

Today I lost a patient. Code "Blue" was called at 10.50 am from the emergency room - CODE BLUE, Emergency Department, Block B, Paediatrics!!!!! and we all rushed there. By the time I reached the emergency, they were resuscitating her. Since I had no role in the resuscitation, I went to look at the mother... and immediately recognized her. My heart sank. Questions was running through my head...I knew I discharged her a day before but did I miss something?
1 year old Norsazrianna, a Down Syndrome from Beufort Sabah with Congenitally Corrected Transposition of Great Arteries and Pulmonary Atresia. She underwent a shunt surgery a week ago and was discharged home yesterday. Her mother brought her back to IJN this morning, when she didn't stop crying for almost an hour. But by the time they arrived in emergency, Norsazrianna had stopped breathing. I scan through her record and didn't find anything amidst. Mother was almost hysterical saying Norsazrianna didn't stopped crying since 9 am. But by the time her cousin brought them to IJN, it was already too late.
My colleagues worked on our patient for half an hour more, but we soon realized she can't be brought back. Death was pronounced at 12.10 pm. I was chosen to break the news to the mother.... what a horrible task and I hate doing this. Right before my eyes, I saw the mother slipped away into her own world where Norsazrianna is still alive and well. It broke my heart.....
I sat with the mother till she left at 3.30 pm. Arranging the body to be sent back to Sabah was another task. But Norsazrianna is already in a good place. My concern is with the mother who had lost everything. I wish I could have done more.....

Picture Of Success

2010-09-21T01:23:00.001+08:00

What is the picture of success? Big house? Imported cars... Not just one but several that line up in the garage? Fat bank accounts...saving accounts, current accounts, trust funds? Member of a golf club or any club that cost thousands as membership? A career that have a paycheck as big as a mountain?
I guess these would be them. Living a materialistic world, there is nothing wrong in wanting more to enhance your lifestyle. It is the standard that are set. It is normal to strive for a lifestyle that are more then comfortable. Because if you don't have ambition, then you might as well stop living.
But I think success comes with more then what you have. Your way of living should also reflect the stuff that you have. Lavish lifestyle should come with refined attitude. Having big house should come with the ability of being a considerate neighbour and a gracious host. Driving big expensive cars should come with the ability of knowing trash belong in a trash bin and not on highway nor the street. Having money and career also mean being charitable, donating to those less fortunate or to give opportunity for others to be successful too.
The measure of success should not stop by looking at what you have but also looking at how you are. The "being" should weight more then the "have".
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The Story Of Us

2010-09-19T04:25:00.005+08:00

Just came back from dinner in Raintree, guests of Adlin & Mel who just got inducted into the prestigious club. It was a black-tie affair so I put a bit of effort in dressing up. Turned out it was not that hard. Anyway, it was fun to dressed up and go for dinner once in a while. Mel was lovely as usual and the men were sharp in their suits. Dinner was delectable and we were entertained by a duo band which played my favourite genre....swings and jazz. All in all it was a lovely affair. We picked Aiman up afterwards and after dropping Ted off for a meeting, Aiman & I went back to Setapak. Aiman was animated in the car, and he lifted my mood a bit.

Now I am sitting in the apartment, blogging while HBO is showing the movie The Story Of Us starring Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfeiffer. I love this movie. Directed by Rob Reiner and it tells the story of a couple who had been married for over 15 years. It is told from both perspectives and how their relationship had evolved. Parts that I like most are the ritual they created to start a conversation...to talked about the Highs and the Lows of their days. What a genius idea to start a conversation going. It gave each one of them to be the talker as well as a listener.

The trailer

Of course the movie is about the ups and downs of a marriage and how at a breaking point, it was saved. But then again it is a feel good movie and it has to have a happy ending. But it gave me such a great feeling knowing that any marriage would have its up and downs. It all boils down of how much you want it to work. If you are willing to go back to the basic of it all, and why you married that man in the first place, reminding yourself of all the great qualities and the reason why you married him in the first place, any marriage could be save.

Stop and listen....talk about your grievances.... tolerate the flaws...accept the shortcomings....and most of all respect the person next to you as a partner..... part of the recipe of a long lasting marriage. Maybe there are more but my marriage is only 15 months old and I know there are a lot more coming. I am here for the long run & I wish to be reminded of the good things when I don't feel appreciated...or as if I am taken for granted ....or when I think I was not heard nor love enough. This is the reason for this blog. The story of us is yet to be written but it is a work in progress. This blog is just a reminder of how I should be feeling when I feel the "lows" more then the "highs".

Saying Goodbye

2010-09-18T06:51:00.002+08:00

It is 6 am, and we are sitting in a mamak shop having an early breakfast. Actually more like supper as we have not slept yet. In fact, we came back from seeing Pak M.Rajoli... Paid our last respect to him and in a way saying goodby
I have never met him in person. But Ted had worked with him multiple times and had the highest respect for him. Yet again, I am attending a funeral of a great person that I only heard of in stories.

Ted's most fond memory of him was the time they spend making Man Laksa in Perak.

They spend almost a month filming there and Pak Rajoli has always been a good sport through out the shooting. With his religious background, it was quite refreshing to see him being comical and jovial all the time. He was even seen as a bit of a rebel as he owned a Harley, and always took a ride on it in full gear with leather jacket and glove. But despite all these worldly hobby, he never loose his religious roots. He was even seen reciting the Surah with some of the crew who wanted to learn them. Pak Rajoli epitomized the calling of Islam...to be in creation of love in this world, as well as the next. May Allah bless his soul and may he finds his true place with Him. Al Fatihah.

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Our Passion

2010-09-18T03:51:00.001+08:00

Our labour of love is slowly taking form. Today, Ted finally cleaned up the living room of our apartment and we were able to set it up. Actually it is still not finish but at least it is clean now. There are still the stage and lightings, but that will have to wait. Before this, Ted's tools and constructions material were scattered all over the living room. It took a lot of patience and time to reorganized them. I am glad that Ted noticed how patient I was. I don't like chaos, especially where I live. But for a while, I told myself that this is important. he needed the time to put them all together, just the way he wanted them to be. Finally all that was done, I am so relieved.

However, that will be blog later, when it is all done. What I am so excited to blog today are about our passions. Ted for music and specifically guitars.... and mine for photography. What a beautiful combination these 2 passions created. Guitar is such a beautiful instrument. It look amazing in photos. With the perfect angles, lighting and exposure....Ted's collections of guitars just look amazing. He used to have a total of 27 guitars but over the years, the numbers decline. Some were sold away, some were lost. But I guess if you have passions for it, you could never loose it all. He started collecting them again.

Today, he mounted some of them on the wall of our apartment. Who needs photo frames and paintings if you can have guitars mounted? And they make beautiful pictures for my photos collections.....and probably scrapbooks later.....

My Malaysia

2010-09-16T05:38:00.002+08:00

Banish racism from your mind and heart
Practice high tolerance with your fellow man
Seek not the differences but accept the uniqueness
So that we can be one nation of true Malaysian
HAPPY 47th MALAYSIA.....

Malaysians are like a box of chocolate.... we may have different shapes, sizes and fillings but essentially we are similar and come from the same ingredients. In this box we called Malaysia, we can create love and prosperity in togetherness and sharing. Celebrate our unique qualities.

To all my fellow Malaysians.... go forth and spread love by being united.

Aim For The Stars

2010-09-16T02:44:00.002+08:00

Aidil Fitri has reached 7th day. So far, I have only visited 2 homes, excluding our parents' home ... Both time, the visits had been extended till the wee hour of the morning. And in both occasions, I witnessed not only the bond of friendship becoming closer but also big ideas discussed.
Every success story started of from ideas. I was made to see in these 2 occasions, I am surrounded by brilliant friends with big, innovative ideas... I have a feeling that I will witness a couple of success story in the future. I am tingling with excitement...

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Popeye Is More Then Spinach

2010-09-15T00:29:00.001+08:00

We went to Wangsa Walk for dinner tonight, looking for a nasi ayam place. Ended up in Popeye's Louisiana Kitchen. Aiman's choice. I was a bit sceptical, thought it is going to be one of those fast food restaurant. But I was wrong. The place is cozy but bright with separated areas of dining with different styles.

Even though the servings were in paper plates and spoon, the food was delicious. Selections was limited to chicken, fish and shrimp but that was enough. Mash potatoes had a tinge of spicy black sauce and the Coleslaw was fresh. The Chicken Fingers were tender and the Fish Finger was delectable. Ibu would have liked it. We will definitely come back.

Oh did I forget to mention the choices of dessert....Tiramisu was one of them, my choice for tonight!

Aidil Fitri 2010

2010-09-13T23:08:00.001+08:00

The Raya weekend is winding down...it is Monday 13th Sept 2010. KL is still empty even though officially the holiday has ended. We arrived in KL from Ipoh at 8 am on a Monday morning and the Bulatan Pahang was cleared of traffic jam. It was unusual. I guess holiday mode is still on.
This Hari Raya celebration was as expected....filled with friends, family,and love. Ted & I did the modern version of it. On the eve of Raya, I went back to Seremban while he stayed back in Keramat. Each helping out each others moms to prepare for Raya. However, I drove back to KL in the night so that we could have the traditional family togetherness.
I got to experienced for the first time the chaotic condition of Chow Kit the eve of Raya. My first and last.

Some excitement after that was trying to catch the Boa that somehow gotten out from his aquarium.

The usual family raya was well spent with friends and family on both sides.

After 2 days with our family, Ted & I decided to take a trip up to Ipoh for Mel's open house. I am glad we made that trip. Ted and I drove leisurely and chat about everything and anything. Our quality time together.
But most of all, I am glad we made that trip because to see the look on Mel's face was priceless. It is always a thrill when you know you had created such happiness in the people you love.

By the way....we saw God's beauty on the eve of 2nd Raya. It was perfect.....

Mission Possible

2010-09-06T23:33:00.000+08:00

Holidays especially one like Hari Raya are best spend with family and love ones. But for most patients and their family, this is not an option. The holiday are spend in the hospital, sometimes far from home and family. It is not a choice as they are not healthy yet to be sent home. This is the decision of the doctors, whether they can be discharge or not.
One of the joy of my job is when I get to send them home but sometimes even such decision is beyond me. Today, we managed to send 3 of them home and canceled one. Tomorrow is another day and my mission is to sent as many out of the hospital as possible. Hospital is not place to be during the holidays.... if I have my way.

My Country is 53 Years Old Today

2010-08-31T02:10:00.002+08:00

Turning 53 is not a joke. A lot had been sacrificed....sweat, blood, money. But I don't think I ever really realized how lucky I am until recently when I can see a lot of other country out there struggled to unify their people, fighting about which race is better, which religion is greater, which lands belong to whom. We Malaysian with our multi-ethnics population somehow managed to live a fairly peaceful lives. We are a family after all.... and what family don't fights? But in the end, it is all about love and tolerance. Our forefathers gave up their lives to build this country....I just hope the new generation would do the same to maintained what had been created. Happy Birthday Malaysia. May we a have a lot more years of peace and tolerance.

Elvis Presley - Let It Be Me

2010-08-30T03:00:00.001+08:00

What a Weekend

2010-08-30T02:53:00.003+08:00

This third weekend of Ramadhan has been hectic. Not much time to hang around and be lazy. Remind me so much of my Leadership Program weeks. And I am not talking about my work....my social events has been filled to the brim.

My weekend started with me being on call on Friday, coping with a patient who underwent 6 hours surgery and her surgeon who stayed on to work with her another 8 hours post operatively. Then Ted & I sent our Matrix for a major service. My baby had a big Raya gifts of a new drive shaft and timing belts. Driving it now is so smooth and steady. While waiting for it to be service, we went to Kamdar just to browse....but end up buying Ted's Raya clothes and got the perfect window/door dressing for the condo, which I so love. Our balcony door look so chic now. After that, I was busy finishing up the frame photos for Diyana before going to the breaking fast with The Pelopor.

Breaking fast with the Pelopor was like a reunion of our DiGi Teambuilding. Suran from Digi was there along with the other Peloporians ....Abang Kamal, Zaim, Haidy and the rest of the team. It was a cozy event and we get to meet up with all the people that built Pelopor. It was like a family breaking fast and I was glad that the NEXT coaches was accepted as part of the family. These are amazing people that are passionate in what they do.....just like Ted. I hope this alliances will continue to flourish.

We decided to drive back to Seremban for sahur at 4 am in the morning. I am so grateful for Ted who knows how important to have quality time with family. We arrived while Ibu, Ayah, Aida & Hazrik were eating and I am contend to spend that short half hour with them, bersahur together. Surprisingly, Ibu allowed us to sleep late and we woke up in the afternoon, undisturbed. Ted & I then went window shopping in Seremban Parade... came back late but another surprise was Ibu did not make any noise. I managed to make butter cake for Ibu & ayah before break fast and I was happy that Ibu was happy about the cake. Somehow, it is easier to please her now. I find it less taxing and actually enjoy doing stuff for her. Which is another big surprise.

We had our Terawih in Seremban and I prayed next to Ibu....and now back in our messy but cozy home in Setapak. The condo is work of love in progress....ever so slowly. But like I said before, I am loving it. I have lots to be grateful for, and God bless the day I married Ted.

Let It Be Me

First Do No Harm

2010-08-27T20:08:00.001+08:00

Sometimes doctors forget that in certain occasion, not doing anything would be a way to treat a patient. Waiting and watching is a part of treating a patient. Wait for condition to deteriorate and take action only when necessary.... because sometimes if we act too early or hastily, we might miss something or we may intervene too early and makes the condition worst.
I wish MH would remember this today but then it's just a wish. I live in reality and in real life....MH has itchy fingers. I feel like cutting them off!!!!!!

Eat, Pray, Gifts and Love- CWAKA Style

2010-08-24T00:38:00.001+08:00

Ted & I found a new family in CWAKA Rovers. When we started out to join the Pelopor Adventure Team in the DiGi Teambuilding a month back, we never knew that it will grow into something more then a training...a job. The affiliation grew into something more...we became a family.

And in this blessed month of Ramadhan, it is only natural to break fast with family. After much messaging and updates in Facebook, we all decided to have the first ever breaking-fast for CWAKA in Husna's place on 22nd August 2010. The event was planned out thoughtfully. Sir Ted decided amongst the breaking fast and praying Maghrib as a family, we should exchanged gifts. And what an enjoyable event it turned out to be. The small apartment was filled with laughter and love that only a true family could filled.

We even had gifts for the most voted male and female. The funniest part was, Najib who was voted most got the CWAKA helmet (courtesy gift from Ted). Najib who constantly made a 'rempit' joke all the way down from Broga deserved the helmet. It was hilarious. Everybody received such appropriately meaningful gift that we were constantly laughing at them.

I was excited about my gift most. I made a photo collage of all the Rovers' members...which turned out to be the most personal gift of all. I was happy to see the satisfied and proud faces of the members when they saw the individually crafted page. Ted is right... the most beautiful gift you could ever give is the creation of love. That photo collage was created out of my labour of love for them. Even though the recipient turned out to be Aiman Irfan and Husna, I know that each one of them had received a part of my love in the collage....

So to the CWAKA Rovers....Ted, Aiman Q, Abang Kamal, Zaim, Haidy, Fiza, Diyana, Shu, Azreen, Zali, Sam, Along, Najib, Zila, Aiman Irfan, Husna, Ari, Nisya, Leong....thank you for creating such happiness in me. Love you all to bits.

The RobinHood Phenomenon

2010-08-20T02:19:00.000+08:00

Robbing from the rich and giving to the poor.
What a noble idea it is, isn't it? It is a folklore, a way to entertain the poor and helpless....justifying the act of stealing which in itself is wrong, making it noble and right.
But how can stealing be right. This is a concept which I could never comprehend. No matter how much I love the idea of giving....especially giving to the less fortunate, I could never justified stealing for them.
But lately, through few misfortune events occurring to me and my family, I believe that people who stole from us believed that they are justified in their actions. A year ago, I lost a valuable trinket, stolen from me. We suspect it was done by a couple of Indonesian worker who helped us renovate our Cheras home. We soon discovered they stole a lot more from Ted...who lost a lot of his construction items. We concluded that just because they think we have a lot, it gave them the right to take from us.Ted went on a mission to make sure those men never worked again in Malaysia. They soon disappeared and never to be heard again.
Recently, Ayah & Mak decided to renovate their Subang Jaya's home which was the office of Avted....hiring a small company with some Indonesian workers. We saw the result today and it was depressing. Even though the house turned out beautifully, there were more disappointments then satisfaction. The leaky roof was not fixed properly....Ted's precious office were destroyed with missing precious paraphernalia and office tables destroyed. Azyan's loss his new driller and some trophy. Again, I thought of how these people believed they could take whatever they want just because they think that Ayah has more then them. I could not comprehend this idea of stealing.
So again, Ted went on a rampage....swearing to do justice and more. Those men had stolen for the last time. I can't wait to see the what happen next. As of tonight, Ted already set the motion of chasing after those rats. He will meet up with the contractors tomorrow and has spoken to the police.
Stealing and taking people's stuff can not be justified even if you have less or none....hell has no fury like Ted's scorned.

Sharing

2010-08-20T01:31:00.001+08:00

I have always believe that the more you give, the more you get. Life lesson for today is share more. Doesn't matter if you have none but if you have some....share. At the end of the day, you will not loose anything, instead you will gain.
When I was young, one lesson that was always taught was sharing. Ibu is very adamant about us children to share whatever we have. Aida & I always shared a room even if there was an extra room. Our study table is this huge round table that we share....it is a way to share our space.
We share food...whenever we buy anything to eat, Ibu always make sure that they are shared even if there isn't enough for a person. What I remember most is how we always shared our individual plate in a restaurant. Each of us would order different things from the menu and once they arrived, we will rotate the plates so that each of us have a taste of the others plate. It is something that I miss about my family....and we still do it whenever we go out for a meal.
Today, I found myself a bit disturbed when Aiman didn't want to share his Coke Light with his Abang Azrin. Later in the car, I voiced out my concerned to him. I tried to explain to him that we should share because we will get more. Rezeki akan sentiasa ada kalau rezeki dikongsi. I can only hope that he understand the importance and incorporate in his life. What I can do now is to set an example and pray he will eventually see it. This is my prayer today......

Broga The Beautiful

2010-08-12T23:05:00.003+08:00

Last weekend 8th of August, the Pelopor Adventure Team kept their promise to bring Ted & I up Bukit Broga in Semenyih. They saw how Ted took a new interest in hiking and after Gunung Senyum, they thought, especially Zaim and Haidy, that Ted would love Broga too. They were right. Ted was so excited about Broga, he convinced me to open an event page in Facebook, inviting more people to join us for the hike. In the end we managed to convince about 22 people including Aiman, Asnida and Asrof. I wanted to bring Airena along but unfortunately she cancelled last minute.....oh well.

We decided too see the sunrise so our journey started as early as 3 am, meeting in a mamak shop in Semenyih. Asrof & Asnida were already waiting for us there....they have been there since 2 am, took a nap while waiting for us. The others arrived soon after that and while having breakfast, I can see how exciting this trip was going to be.

As we arrived in the kelapa sawit plantation, I couldn't see anything but darkness. But as we parked, I realized they were many before us. There in between the kelapa sawit plants, were cars parked in rows. I read about this place before and learned how it is a haven for hikers and photographers. We gathered and after a short briefing and stretching, led by Zaim, we made our way into the darkness, light up by torchlight and head lamps. It was a magical sight....seeing rows of lights moving into the abyss in succession.

I had experienced in long hike before so I paced myself, allowing everybody to move ahead. Ted found me and soon we found ourself at the back of the pack. Ted at first struggled and I followed his pace. But he was undeterred.... moving slowly forward. We knew Zaim as a sweeper would not fail us. He was with Shu keeping Ari company, who was soon was out of breath and moved even slower. Ted & I kept going forward slowly but surely. it was an experienced I never felt before, moving into the unknown, taking the hill a step at a time. Most of the time I followed Ted, making sure he was ok.

Along the way we met a few groups of hikers in succession. Some were slower and some were faster. We never felt alone despite the darkness. A few times we stopped and caught our breath, we would turned around and see flashes of lights moving closer....what a sight it was. We made a few pit stop and finally reach the top at 6.30 am. It was an amazing feeling. Despite the darkness, Ted looked at me and said how I glowed....it was the exercise. He said I looked like the time I came back from LP second weekend!

Ari and Zaim soon joined us and it was an amazing feeling to have everyone sitting and camping at the boulder picked by Haidy and Uda earlier on. They were the scout team, and along with Aiman, were one of the few to arrived first.

Sitting on the boulder witnessing the twilight hour, I couldn't stop being awed of how beautiful and clean the air was. As the sun rise....I see faces that glowed and each time, I catch my breath. As darkness turned to light, we saw the enormous crowd up on Broga. They were clusters of people everywhere along the trail, some perched on the many boulders situated on the hill. Someone said it was like there were a huge sale up here and the crowd was huge.

2 hours on that boulder were spent talking, chatting and just enjoying the view. I was a shutter bug and could not stop taking pictures. After the customary hanging of Pelopor banner, we took a group photos and made our way down to the foothill. As usual, the Pelopor team, being true to their nature of environmentalists, collected the trash left behind by those before us. I was so proud of Asrof who without even being asked, help to carry them down too....

Suffice to say the trip down was even harder but more rewarding in terms of the view. It was breathtaking and I was grateful at being able to experienced it with Ted, Aiman, Asrof, Asnida and my new found hiking friends.

I know that Ted & I will be doing more of hiking...as the reward is more then I could ever express. The feeling it gave me and the experience is one that I would love to duplicate over and over again.....

Welcoming Ramadhan 1431 MH

2010-08-11T23:50:00.001+08:00

A few days before 1st Ramadhan, Melor had a bit of celebration lunch. It was also to marked the day when 1 of our long staying patient(Odysseus) discharged from the ward. We would have all sorts of reason to celebrate and what better way then to celebrate a patients recovery and the coming of Ramadhan.

On another note, for the past 3 years, I have been celebrating the coming of Ramadhan in IJN. I guess it is just my luck that I have to be on call the night before and bersahur with the nurses.

It is actually quite easy, I was woken up for an update around 4 am and decided to start the sahur. I was not sure what time is Imsak so decided to sahur after making some not so life threatening decision. Anyway, as luck would have it, it was the same time as the sahur food was sent to Melor. Every year without fail, Balqis will supply food for bersahur and berbuka in Melor Ward. It is mainly for the patients and the guardian but they gave extra for the staff too. So it turned out I didn't have much problem looking for what to eat.

I am usually quite lazy to eat,especially when I am sleepy. Ibu always complaint how difficult it is to wake me up every year. But now that I am matured, I see the relevance and importance of waking up for a quick meal during Ramadhan. It is not only to prepare your body for starvation the whole day, but also to make sure that we wake up for the morning prayer. I guess, you do need to have something to start the day....for the body, mind and soul.

I called Ted around 5 am to make sure he wakes up too. I guess my responsibility as a wife should not stop just because he is far away. But I was quite surprise too see myself thinking about him too even when we are apart....just to make sure that he had something before Imsak. My nurturing side is growing I guess.

Somehow this year of fasting came to me with a bit of insights of how I should do more in terms of my relationship with my Creator. I am blessed but sometimes I do feel that I am not grateful enough. It is a month of reflection and soul searching which I always take for granted. I do pray that this year would be different. Yes it is a time for abstinence, but also a time to be grateful of the abundance that are given to me....I pray that my family and friends will be able to go through this month with the full intention of what it really was meant for and that all are able to reap the reward they deserved. I pray for forgiveness and the patience to go through this month that only God could provide. But most of all I pray for my soul to be healed so that I could be more of a servant to Him, then I ever did.

The Beginning of August

2010-08-07T03:03:00.002+08:00

This month of 8 had a good start. First of all, I was not on call for this whole first week. I am back in Melor, where I am most comfortable in. I feel more efficient and fulfilled in the general ward. I think the nurses and the clerks like having me back too. There is nothing more rewarding then feeling needed and love.

Since I am not on call, I get to go home everyday and be in Setapak...where I got to handle stuff at home. We had a huge bulk of dirty clothes after our trip from Gunung Senyum. It was 4 loads of laundry and we decided to sent them to the cleaner, which was a great idea as it was really cumbersome to deal with them since we have no washing machine here in Setapak.I got to sort them out effortlessly and that was a great relief.

Then on Thursday, we sent Aiman, Azrin and Melissa to tuition. We managed to watch Eclipse while waiting and it was pretty awesome spending time alone with Ted. We were dead tired that night but coming home, I felt a bit more like a mother then I ever did. Sending Aiman to tuition all the way to Subang Jaya made all the tiredness disappeared as he seemed to be more grounded with his study.

Today was another great day. We had pre-Ramadhan feast in Melor and I made my fruit salad, which was loved by everyone. It is a wonderful feeling to be complemented on my cooking (even though fruit salad tecnically is not cooking). Nevertheless, I felt happy that everyone liked it. Furthermore, we were graced by a surprised visit of Mak Kiah(our retired clerk) who I haven't seen for almost a year. My day at work was filled with efficiency in discharging patients and solving pending cases. We worked and laughed and made the working environment so relaxed.

At the end of it, Ted and I went to Berjaya Time Square to get his new BlackBerry. He surprised me with his new Ibanez Guitar, the closest thing to a Martin.....for now. Ted finally got new watch too....2 in fact. The best part, we got them at a bargain and I am always happy to shop for bargains. On our way out from Berjaya we found a stray kitten that was just adorable, we couldn't resist taking him back. Underneath the anorexic dirty body, we saw a kitten who has potential to filled our lives with love. We spend almost an hour trying to trick him to come back with us. He finally jumped in the car and we drove back to Keramat, with him meowing non stop at the back seat.

In Keramat, we get to spend time with Mak, Ayah and Mak Ngah Wan Chik.....sitting down and talking to them, I felt at ease. It was me winding down and I couldn't have done that in a better place. Ayah was not feeling too well so Ted brought the 2 lady out to dinner while I kept Ayah & Aiman company at home. It was nice....that Ted & I could do something so easy and effortless, so that the elderly are happy.

My day is ending....in a good way. Ted tried out his new guitar, which sounded magical. But then, in his hand anything turns to magic. He is such a beautiful player....I am so blessed to always have a front row seat to his performances.

Tomorrow, Ibu & Ayah are coming to Setapak for the first time....so excited to have them here finally. Later, we will be hiking up Broga Hill to watch the sunrise....what a wonderful way to end a wonderful first week of August!

Parenting

2010-07-27T02:57:00.001+08:00

Last Saturday 23rd July, we took Aiman for his tuition in Subang Jaya. Ted finally enrolled him for an academic enhancement since he is now 10 years old and his academic records has not been that excellent. He has been attending the tuition for the last 2 weeks and he seemed to take in good stride.

Aiman is an intelligent boy but so far it has not been mirrored well with his academic achievements. He is a typical hyperactive boy and I can see that he has no patience in studying. It bores him and so he can't stand to sit for hours learning them. This is so typical of ADHD. Academic lesson in Malaysian school is a slow tedious process and for a boy like him, it is simply tiresome.

But give him something that interest him like football,futsal or music, he can sit for hours digesting them in. He can talk about them non stop and the information he vomited out are amazing. Just the other day in the car while driving him to tuition, he actually recalled a song that was famous 11 years ago, singing along to it, word for word. Then recalling the year from which it was first came out. Even Ted and I didn't know it. He is master at googling information from the net and this is definitely not a symptoms of dullness or stupidity....

I am not worry about him in school, and so does Ted. What we can do as parents is just to support his interest. But now, at this point in his life, he needs the academic achievement to give him a platform to be successful in what he decides for his future.... so this is why Ted is sending him to tuition. Like Ted always said, children in school are necessary as it is just the mean to get to the point.... Aiman just have to "do his time". My wish is that Aiman would not loose his interest in life and continue to strive what is important to him. Regardless of what the future lies for him academically, I am praying that he will grow up to be the man that we know he could be....just like his dad.

Jamie & Landon - There You'll Be

2010-07-23T00:03:00.002+08:00

Love is patient and kind, it is never jealous.

Love is never boastful or conceited

It is never rude or selfish, it does not take offense, nor is it resentful.

Love takes no pleasure in others sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes.

Love does not come to an end.

There are three things that last, faith, hope and love and the greatest of these is LOVE

I Love You A Bit

2010-07-22T20:36:00.001+08:00

Tonight I was reminded of an old song sung by a famous songbird. It was my favourite for the longest time but I never got the lyrics translated till tonight.

So in the words of Teresa Teng.... this is how deep a love could be.

You asked me how deep do I love you
I love you a bit
My feelings is true
My love is true
The moon represents my heart

You asked me how deep do I love you
I love you a bit
My feelings embedded
My love unchanged
The moon represents my heart

A gentle kiss
It has been touched to my heart
A deep relationship
That I still remember now

You asked me how deep do I love you
I love you a bit
You should think about it
You should take a look
The moon represents my heart

Teresa Teng-Yue Liang Dai Biaw Wo Di Xin