Baby Blues

Ted and I have been married for exactly 2 years 3 months. In that time, between the 2 of us we had seen 10 other couples unite in love. And till of date all of them had either conceived or had the experience of their first born. At work, 9 of my nurses became pregnant and all had delivered their babies. Another 2 are pregnant and happily going through the antenatal uneventfully....so far.

As for Ted and I, we are still trying and waiting. Every month, I counted my cycles and in batted breath wait for the telltale signs of my period. And each month of that 27 months, without failed, my menses came and confirmed that we have not conceived again. Time and time again, the sinking feeling of emptiness and failure came over me. In the first few months, I was hardly aware of that feeling. But lately, I noticed the feelings seemed to linger longer then the months before....especially when I see my pregnant friends and nurses. Of course I joked about them, how I scolded my nurses for not waiting and allowing me to be pregnant first before they do. I also tried the positive tone by telling me if they allow me to touch their beautiful pregnant belly, I might get it too, pretending that it is infectious. I also tried the denial bits, how I am not a mother material. Then there was the rationalization of the whole situation....that I am too old to be pregnant and it is stupid to think that I could. Only left are the bargaining and praying.....

With all the modern medicine and abandoned babies lying around me, there other possibilities of us having another child. But they are not something that I can consider now. What I want are being late in my menses, the joyful surprise of seeing the plus signs on the pregnancy test kit, the morning sickness, the gaining weight and seeing my belly grow, the uncomfortable part of swelling feet , the shopping for maternity dress, the pain of being in labour....and a lot more, spontaneously without effort.

I have seen women who failed when they became obsessed of getting pregnant. I refused to be one of them. I tell myself consciously that it will happened when it happened. No point dreading about it now. But I am afraid my  conscious effort are draining my energy and my happiness away. Everyday, the weariness is more and more and I am so afraid that I can't accept being childless. Of course we have Aiman and that is a lot to be grateful for. But when Ted talked about the feeling of seeing and holding your first born for the first time the other day,  I realized  could not share the same joy and for the first time I was overcome with feeling of sadness about my whole situation. For the first time, I felt alone in this marriage and don't want this to eat me away....Maybe, it is about time I try the praying part huh????

Honouring A Hero

Noramfaizul Mohd Nor was a Bernama Cameraman who was killed by a stray bullet while on a goodwill tour to Mogadishu,Somalia with Kelab Putera 1Malaysia. He went there with intentions to help the Somalian during the months of Ramadhan/Syawal 1432 and for that lost his life. if that is not a hero, I don't know what is.

I first heard about the news from a post by Kaduk and after much googling, I managed to get the full story. It is sad and tragic. But on the other hand I was thinking, he left this world in the most honourable way possible. From the Youtube posts, a lot of people send their condolences but a lot more were cursing the Somalian. My heart breaks a little when I read some of the unkind post. It is not fair to blame them. I believed that the best way to honour such a hero is not blaming the people he tried to help but to remember his good deed and just that. He gave his life and we should remember him. I love the way his mother described him as a loving and responsible son who never hurt her feelings. What a memory he left of himself to his mom....I wonder how many of us could leave such memories to our parents.

Alone

It is funny how when you are left alone with your thoughts, how far you can go. You can be here in the presence where reality is and then it becomes blurry when the thoughts of the past suddenly crept in. And in split seconds your thoughts takes you to the future, of how you see yourself tomorrow or in 10 years to come.  Somehow in thoughts, times sometimes overlap each other. Like a song I heard....a fool will loose tomorrow, reaching out  to yesterday..... I don't want to be like this. So I won't let my past control what I do today and in the end loose whatever future I might have.

Hairel Taufiq

Today I got a call from Hasana in Melor regarding Hairil Taufiq. He passed away this morning in Batu Pahat.
Hairil would be about 11 month now. He was warded in Melor in March and left us in May. One of the longest staying patient we had. I was amazed by the mother's patience. Not once she complaint. When he left, I was so happy for him.
Today, a piece of my heart went with him. Shed another tears for another patient that stole my heart...
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Lost Memory

STAY

CAKE For Iqbal

This is a sequel to my last blog about Iqbal and his wish.

He asked for a cake shaped like a truck 3 days ago. I put up the request in Facebook immediately and the response was amazing. What was more amazing was when Asnida put up his story in her Facebook and the response was overwhelming. A group of Outsource Caterer managed to get the cake to him the very next day. They came all the way from Mantin Negeri Sembilan and the cake was perfect.  They even refused payment.

En Hamzah, En. Abd Rahman and Pn Ana...Angels in our midst

On that day itself, Iqbal got 2 other cakes from Rakan IJN and another NGO. Both shaped like trucks.

Today, Asnida called me early morning and said that she has another cake for Iqbal made by her neighbour. I thought why not. Iqbal asked for only a cake but he got 4 in total. Murah nya rezeki anak ini!

The Firefighter truck from Pn Lin

I was amazed by the willingness of strangers to fullfilled a wish by a child that they don't even know! A lot of angels out there and I am so grateful that my decision to send the wish to others was met with overwhelming response. Just like what Ted said, it would have been good to get the cake for Iqbal myself but to actually shared and allowed others to contribute was what this journey of giving is all about. Sharing the act of giving is more rewarding then I could imagine. Contribution And Kinship Experienced = CAKE for Iqbal story is an example of how in the act of giving....you get more.

Mission Possible

Holidays especially one like Hari Raya are best spend with family and love ones. But for most patients and their family, this is not an option. The holiday are spend in the hospital, sometimes far from home and family. It is not a choice as they are not  healthy yet to be sent home. This is the decision of the doctors, whether they can be discharge or not.
One of the joy of my job is when I get to send them home but sometimes even such decision is beyond me. Today, we managed to send 3 of them home and canceled one. Tomorrow is another day and my mission is to sent as many out of the hospital as possible. Hospital is not place to be during the holidays.... if I have my way.

The RobinHood Phenomenon

Robbing from the rich and giving to the poor.
What a noble idea it is, isn't it? It is a folklore, a way to entertain the poor and helpless....justifying the act of stealing which in itself is wrong, making it noble and right.
But how can stealing be right. This is a concept which I could never comprehend. No matter how much I love the idea of giving....especially giving to the less fortunate, I could never justified stealing for them.
But lately, through few misfortune events occurring to me and my family, I believe that people who stole from us believed that they are justified in their actions. A year ago, I lost a valuable trinket, stolen from me. We suspect it was done by a couple of Indonesian worker who helped us renovate our Cheras home. We soon discovered they stole a lot more from Ted...who lost a lot of his construction items. We concluded that just because they think we have a lot, it gave them the right to take from us.Ted went on a mission to make sure those men never worked again in Malaysia. They soon disappeared and never to be heard again.
Recently, Ayah & Mak decided to renovate their Subang Jaya's home which was the office of Avted....hiring a small company with some Indonesian workers. We saw the result today and it was depressing. Even though the house turned out beautifully, there were more disappointments then satisfaction. The leaky roof was not fixed properly....Ted's precious office were destroyed with missing precious paraphernalia and office tables destroyed. Azyan's loss his new driller and some trophy. Again, I thought of how these people believed they could take whatever they want just because they think that Ayah has more then them. I could not comprehend this idea of stealing.
So again, Ted went on a rampage....swearing to do justice and more. Those men had stolen for the last time. I can't wait to see the what happen next. As of tonight, Ted already set the motion of chasing after those rats. He will meet up with the contractors tomorrow and has spoken to the police.
Stealing and taking people's stuff can not be justified even if you have less or none....hell has no fury like Ted's scorned.

Sharing

I have always believe that the more you give, the more you get. Life lesson for today is share more. Doesn't matter if you have none but if you have some....share. At the end of the day, you will not loose anything, instead you will gain.
When I was young, one lesson that was always taught was sharing. Ibu is very adamant about us children to share whatever we have. Aida & I always shared a room even if there was an extra room. Our study table is this huge round table that we share....it is a way to share our space.
We share food...whenever we buy anything to eat, Ibu always make sure that they are shared even if there isn't enough for a person. What I remember most is how we always shared our individual plate in a restaurant. Each of us would order different things from the menu and once they arrived, we will rotate the plates so that each of us have a taste of the others plate. It is something that I miss about my family....and we still do it whenever we go out for a meal.
Today, I found myself a bit disturbed when Aiman didn't want to share his Coke Light with his Abang Azrin. Later in the car, I voiced out my concerned to him. I tried to explain to him that we should share because we will get more. Rezeki akan sentiasa ada kalau rezeki dikongsi. I can only hope that he understand the importance and incorporate in his life. What I can do now is to set an example and pray he will eventually see it. This is my prayer today......

Passionate Living -NEXT Coach in Action

Ted is starting his journey as NEXT (Neuro-Empowerment Experiential Training) Coach finally. Set in Gunung Senyum, Sir Ted and the Pelopor Adventure Team Malaysia will be guiding the Yellow People into caves and more importantly a journey into themselves, in the next 4 days. This is one of many beginnings he had taken... One that he had taken multiple times and become so familiar with. One that he is passionate about and would not give up, even though it was paved with many obstacles and failures.
The only difference in this journey is that he finally get to create a training that he solely dreamt of ... It had come out from decades of experienced being in contribution and countless sleepless nights of readings and writings.
 Ted is so passionate about training, that it can only be compared to his music, his cooking and Aiman. After all, aren't they all...training, cooking, music and his son.... are about being in contribution to happiness and building relationships and bonds that are positive? Creating a future with people that truly cares... To talk the talks and walk the walks.
I am so proud of him at this moment and he made me love him more. I am just happy to be in his space, and to experienced the true meaning of being passionate...

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The Courage of Letting Go

In my business, letting go is almost obsolete. We doctors love to hang on to our patient... no matter what. I guess doctors can't be seen giving up, because if we do, what chances would the patient have?

2 months back, RP was admitted here for a palliative surgery. He has a complex heart condition and we don't expect him to have live long. But because he is so blue, we agreed to do a surgery that will make him less blue, hopefully. But, he ran into some complication and the surgery took more then 6 hours. While he was in ICU, his heart gave up and CPR performed on him for almost 90 minutes... the doctors wouldn't and couldn't give up. But then due to the prolong lack of oxygen to his brain, RP ended up with severe brain damage that left him in a vegetative state.

This brings me to question about the need to hold on to patients. How far should we go as a doctor or even a medical practitioner, to save a person life? Very far I hope.....to infinity and beyond!!!!! But then again, if we would have known that in saving his life, we would have not improve his quality of life or even made it worst.... would we still do it? But how could we have known?

Well, RP lived on for another month. During this time we sat down with the parents countless of time explaining that their son would never talk, walk or even grow up like a normal child. After the hundredth time, the father finally said that this is it for RP. He understood and doesn't want anything else to be done for his son. True enough, a week later RP collapsed quietly in Anggerik, while his mother was downstairs, waiting for her father in surgery.

As a doctor, my natural instinct was to start CPR, but I know better. The best thing for RP at that moment was to let him go in peace. It was not that difficult.... told myself over and over again, this is what is best for him. God  has better plan... I have to believe in that.

But sometimes I think letting go takes more courage then holding on....

要回家...Going Home (A Miracle)

I have been a doctor for more then a decade and in service with paediatrics for most part of it. It is difficult not to get attached to a patient but I somehow managed to. This I learned  the hard way a long time ago. You can't get to personal to a patient and his/her family because they will leave, in a manner sometimes that bring joy but in most, heartbreaking. When I was in training, I used to go home and cried for those that did not make it. So I told myself, I should never get too emotional. Empathize, yes....Care, yes....Show kindness, yes.... But never let them into my heart.

Safiyah... a month ago during MPO performances



Recently, I forgo this lesson... just for 1 girl. Safiyah, an 8 year old sweet girl, was admitted early March with a heart condition called Tricuspid Atresia, Double Outlet Right Ventricle, which means she only have 1 functional room in the heart instead of 2. She is borne blue and will remain so through out her life. Our aim of management in such condition is surgery, modifying the heart so that the flow will bypass the lower part of the heart straight to the lung so as to lessened her blueness. This usually take a few surgery from the day you are born up to the age of 10 years. So Safiyah was admitted this time for the final surgery. She was very blue when she came but nevertheless quite cheerful and chatty.

Over the next 3 months in IJN, she had 2 major surgeries and 3 minor ones. Suffice to say, her stay in IJN had been a tremulous one. A month ago when she had the last surgery, her heart becomes weaker and part of the heart was blocked. She became more blue and bloated. She was weak and at most part, was very sick. Our intensivist had "thrown the white towel" and basically told her parents that she wouldn't make it. There was even a part of me that made a silent prayer that if it would have lessened her suffering, then she should go... but God had grander and better plan. For the last 2 weeks, God showed us mere mortals, what miracle is all about. She became less blue, her lung that collapsed initially expanded beautifully, and she became less bloated. She was taken off ventilator about 10 days ago... and moved out of the ICU into the general ward. She came back to Anggerik 5 days ago....looking almost like her old self...cheerful and happy. Yesterday, she supported a fellow patient, another girl almost her age, while we took blood from the latter. Safiyah held Ain Aisyah's hand and told her to pray....along with her.

Today, Safiyah went home to Putra Jaya. I can hear her singing this morning, playing with Aisyah.... just the way God had intended a girl her age should do.

Today I was reminded yet again, why I do what I do... why I am still here despite the many heart breaks. I get to see miracle like this happen over and over again. This somehow makes me closer to Him, more then ever.

My patients' lives are not broken.... they are the chosen one, the one that is truly love by Him. Their journey in life are so clear, unlike some of us "healthy" ones who sometimes lead an aimless lives. They serve to show other people that miracle can happen and if you pray hard enough, believe in Him, you would have hope...something that we take for granted. My patients reminds me everyday to pray and hope... and this brings me closer to You.... to Home.

Safiyah today...in the computer room before going home

Us after 1 year

We became husband and wife officially a year ago to this date. That day is still fresh in my mind though it feels as if we have been married forever. The days passed by so quickly and I can't believe that 365 of them had passed. This 1 year had been a journey but surprisingly it was easy. We had our ups and downs, but I am grateful for the experiences. I feel so blessed to have him with me. I know I am stronger with him.... wiser...calmer...happier.

In my wildest dream, I could not have imagine being this blissfully happy. He let me see that happiness is a choice. Waking up in the morning on the wrong side of the bed simply does not exist in his world. The minute we open our eyes from our slumber, we make the choice how our day is going to be. Should we become a contributor or a destroyer? Do we want to be a giver or a taker? Do we want to throw tantrum or smile at the bad lucks that is thrown at us? Should we scream and shout or laugh and sing our way through our daily chores? Life is a lot easier and happier if we know that we have that choice.



At this matured age, I could not have imagine being able to learn anything new nor accepting anything else then my old ways. Those who says that you can't teach an old dogs new tricks must have led a dull and boring lives. I learned to have new hobbies... to be passionate about cooking and eating.... to accept my quirkiness with humour... to laugh even when I am crying... to be stronger when I am pushed around.


I know my life is richer with him around but it doesn't mean I am a pauper if I am alone. Tonight I am sending a prayer that this will last....this is my true love, my soul mate.... my Knight in shining armour is here to stay, no matter what.

My Biggest Wish

If I had a wish that can come true, it would be a world just as what Lennon would imagine...


Imagine there's no heaven, it's easy if you try
No people below us, above it's only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today

Imagine there's no countries, it isn't hard to do
No need to kill or die for and no religions too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger a brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing for the world

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
Take my hand and join us
And the world will live, will live as one

Go to LENOKO

Say a Little Prayer

31st March 2010 is a day that will live in infamy... at least for me.

It was one of the worst day at work. It started of bad when I was left all alone to be in charge of a full ward of 30 patients (not counting the parents and their grandparents!) Out of the 5 doctors that is supposed to be there... I was the only one left to man it. Nurses were pretty short in numbers to. To make matter worst, 3 out of 6 nurses were juniors. The only savior was that the seniors were the good ones.... Ila, Farra & Sister Anida. Thank God for our clerk Ayu ... she helped out wherever she can.

The morning rounds with my Consultants were not so bad. We managed to get all the days work planned out nicely. The rounds were smooth and clear. By near noon....as the sun reach its peak and the temperature outside rise.... the ward inside heated up too. All of us literally perspire despite the ward being air-conditioned. What I meant by heated up was that, we started getting influx of transferred patient from our ICU in an insane amount of numbers. Our HDU only have 5 beds, but ICU decided to transfer 8 patients. So my efficient nurses started moving beds and patients in a pace that would make a F1 driver proud. Melor ward looks like one of those war zone movie scene where the beds were in the middle aisle of every free lane in the ward. We had to make room for the ICU patients so that ICU can make space for the other patients that are going for surgery that day. If we don't make the space, then surgery would be cancel and a lot of people would be unhappy. My role?... to choose which patients stable enough to be transfer to the least monitored beds. I am responsible in compromising certain care to certain patients. A ridiculous role. I had to make an extra effort in checking up on them now and then to make sure they are ok. I was on my feet the whole day. Obviously my feet hurt.

By the end of the long day, we managed to make the best of this horrible situation. Most patients were where they can best be cared for. We even managed to admit new patients. They were good and safe but the ward was in shambles with notes everywhere. It was difficult to find anything but then thank God for Ayu who made it easier. I am also grateful for the nurses. They did their best and it proved to me that I can count on them for any chaotic situations.

When I left at 8.30 pm, I prayed for my patients to be safe..... but the next day I found out there were 2 unfortunate events that night. One had to be transferred back to ICU and the other one missed a crucial X ray. Thank God it was just a minor incidents and there were no fatalities.I guess my prayer were answered partially.

Lesson of that day..... despite all your best effort in any given bad situation, it doesn't hurt to pray. So say a little prayer now and then because God do listen.

Pain in the Butt...literally

OK...these last 3 days has been painful, to say the least.

In my 12 years experience as a medical practitioner, I have seen many afflictions that would make any laymen flinch in disgust. One of them would be a boil in the butt. Over the years, I have come across such a problem in many forms and shaped. Some are difficult to access, have foul smell and may take more then just an excision to clear. One thing for sure..... it is a problem that is not only painful but also can bring a lot of embarrassment. As for me, being on the other side, I had always tried to be professional... treating the problem at hand as tactful as possible. I never really wonder or imagine to be on the patient's side.... never really thought I would be face with this problem personally.

Well, needless to say, I am in my patient's shoes now. It is embarrassing.... and I am in great pain and discomfort most of the time. At the moment, I am wondering if I could ever find a doctor that could treat me as good as I was to my patients.... somebody who could empathize with me.

Right now I am acting as my own doctor, wishing the antibiotics I prescribed myself would do its job, so that I can avoid the task of finding such human being....it is true when they say doctors made the worst patients, maybe because I expect too much from another.

Ashes to ashes....dust to dust

My title for this blog may not be used in a Muslim burial, but I believed it is the essence of death and can be aptly be used for any form of burial. The basic is the same.... when we die, our physical body will decomposed until nothing is left but ashes and dust. From Him we came and to Him we returned.

Auntie Jane was safely returned to Him on the 21st March 2010. She left quietly, no fuss. We waited all day. Each one hoping to be there when the transition happen, so as to be able to say our final goodbyes at the brink of it all....but then again He had better plan for her. She never wanted people to fuss over her so dying quietly would have been the way to go for her.

Her final rite was done in taste. I would have loved to help clean her but I didn't. Didn't think it was my placI would have robbed another deserving person of that privileged. So I kept myself busy with slicing the Bungai Rampai. Turned out there were a lot at hands helping me....Serena, Yasmin, Deanna, Samantha, Latifah.... to name a few. It was not too bad and we managed to produced a whole box of them. The prayer were quick but for the first time my tear fell in gushes.... the dam finally broke and I couldn't do anything to stop it.

At the cemetery, the prayers were beautiful. It was very enlightening and humbling to see a burial. Being placed 6 feet under the ground and left in the dark to face our maker and His messenger. How would we ever know if what we done in this world would ever be enough to carry us through that? We just have to have faith I think. If our hearts are pure with no malice towards our fellow men...and women, if our conscious are cleared from all evil thoughts and deeds, if we love our mankind selflessly.... wouldn't that be enough. I would like to think so.

Auntie Jane led a selfless life. She gave us her love and wit and zest for life without really asking anything in returned.... that would have been enough for her to place in heaven.

Our prayers are sent out every night since she left.... not that we doubt of her place with God, but it was our way of repaying for the priceless kindness we received from her. I think a lifelong of DOA would just about covered that......

Meeting Jane

Auntie Jane is one of Ted's oldest friend's mother, H. Even before we were married, Ted always have a story of Auntie Jane. It is always in an anecdotal sort of ways. In his stories, she is this wise, loving, organize and humorous lady. Whenever he start talking about her, his lips would curl into a smile and his eyes started to twinkle....and I knew that a great story is coming my way. One that would make me laugh or smile or teary eyed.

One of my favourite story is about a trip he took to her house. He brought Aiman along.Naturally Aiman would be a ball of adrenaline happy running around and touching everything in every room. At this point, Ted would impersonate Auntie Jane in her old English accent " Boy! whatever you are doing....STOP IT". Aiman would stop and gave that look of "How did she know? She can't see me". I heard this story a million times....and I always cracked up. I have always imagine meeting her in person and experience that kind of sense of humour in person. I knew I would have loved her instantly.

I finally got to meet her yesterday. Unfortunately the visit was not as I had imagine it. Auntie Jane is sick. She caught an infection and now hospitalize. She is semiconscious & the prognosis is bad. She is deteriorating despite on Imipenem and Ciprofloxacin. So I never get to listen to the wise old English lady in person. Nevertheless... that night I realized that she is a great woman. She was surrounded by her dotting son and friends and family. The room was filled with people and we had to take turn to be in that room so that others can come in. I never even met her and I am already loving her. Imagine these people whom most had grown up knowing her...imagine the kind of feeling they have for her.

I wish I had met her earlier.....

In Memory of Abang Azmi

In my selfishness of being engross with my own life and my upcoming birthday, today I was hit with a news that brought me back to the people that I care and love.
I lost one of my dearest friend and senior today. Abang Jeffri called around 8 pm and told me of Abang Azmi's demised. It was a bit of a shock as he is only a few years older than me. I knew he has heart failure, I visited him in Tawakal last year and I knew he was quite unwell... but I never realize he was going to go so soon. But then again... death do come unexpectedly. Its just the way it is, isn't it? We would lead different sort of life if we knew when our times are up.
Abang Azmi was one of my senior in Manipal. When we first arrived in India, it was a bit of a shock. First of all, we were far from home, far from the protections of our family. We landed in a foreign country that seemed hostile and different. Not just the people but the weather and the place. Everything looked so....backward, lacking any modern facilities.
We were greeted by 10 Malay seniors who has been there for the last 2 years under Petronas sponsor. They were cheerful and helpful.... help all of us settled in and made sure we lack of nothing.
Abang Azmi & Kak Lin were like parents figure to us.... especially to me, Zila, Mus & Nizam. They took us under their wings and made us miss home less. Abang Azmi was the soft spoken one, always asked if we were OK. Invited us to his house a few times that first month and bring us around the place. I remembered him on his big bike...as he was a big man. His size was mirrored by his heart. Even when things got hard when our group started to split apart, Abang Azmi & Kak Lin was always understanding.... supported us despite the back stabbing among our peers.
Back here, we hardly keep in touch but they were the only seniors that I do keep in touch with. Their big heart spilled over even though we had come home....
Death do come unexpectedly and we should never take what we have in this life for granted. We should say thank you when it is due to the people that matters when we have the chance.... when we still can.

I will miss you... I only wish that God will repay your kindness in afterlife as I never had a chance to do it in this life.RIP....

Counting My Infinite Blessings

My 38th is just around the corner. Do I feel older? Sometimes I do...sometimes I feel younger... depends on my state of mind.

At the moment... I keep on looking back at some of the decisions I made when I am at crossroads. Some that I am proud of & some not. I feel a lot older when my mind wonders to my past. I used to think that for the last 38 years, my life is so full of dramas that it could be made into a movie... several movies in fact.I hated it when I can't keep my darker past away from my present.

Lately my mind wonders to the things I always wanted to do but never got around to doing them:
1. I have always wanted to go to Thailand or backpacking to India.
2. Bungee jumping off a bridge somewhere.
3. Be at my ideal weight 55 kg.
4. Play the piano
5. Scuba diving
6. Learn to roller blade
7. Ride bicycle to work
8. Recycle more...be more of an environmentalist.
9. Work with UNICEF or any of those NGO that champions children's welfare. Do more community service.
10 Spend more time with Ibu.
11. Being pregnant. To experienced 9 months of having a person growing inside of me ... to understand the pain and also feel the blessing of being a mother.

The list goes on & on...but this is just too depressing. I hate thinking of them and somehow feel that they will never happen.



But then again I do think about the cool stuff that I have done and experienced.... made me feel young and optimistic:
1. Being a doctor the last 12 years... having to save lives and being in contribution on a daily basis.
2. I am a loving and giving Ummi to my nephews & nieces... an still being blessed to be able to do this still.
3. Studying in India and get to experienced the culture and the rich life there for 7 years. And to take the last trip back to Malaysia in first class flight.
4. Falling in and out of love with great wonderful loving men... which only made me a lovable woman everytime.
5. Being able to experienced different places in this world.... The USA when I was 10 yrs old, Wolverhampton where Aida studied, Manila, Tokyo, Hawaii , India, Ireland ( Kirremuir), Paris, Amsterdam, London, Bali. I went to Disneyland, Universal Studio, camping in Yosemite Park, travelling in the tube of London!.... These were amazing places.
6. Snorkelling in Perhentian Island and shopping in Cameron Highland with my best friend.

7. Post college Holiday in Langkawi with friends.
8. Drove a Porsche on the highway.
9. Saw concerts of Linkin'Park, Gwen Stefani.... live performances of Aqasha & the Remedy!

10. Dining on top of the Eiffel Tower... boat trip across the Seine
11. Enjoying sunset in Kudremukh, India.... riding back on bikes when it was raining.
12. Being able to celebrate my birthday year after year with friends and family... the people I love and those who love me.
13.Found the love of my life and found out he loves me too,married him, letting me love Aiman like my own .... knowing that I will still be in love with him everyday for the rest of my life, even though I know there will be days where he will irritate the hell out of me.
How do I know that he is the one...my Knight in shining armour... my hero... my man? Because I can overlook his flaws and still be here, not wanting to be anywhere else.... and he can overlook my flaws and still loves me in the morning.

I am still counting my infinite blessings.... knowing more to come in the coming years.