Tuesday, February 04, 2014

Made Me Feel His Love

Ayah has never been the one to show love. He is stern in his ways and always speaks his mind, much to our cringes. Relatives tend to stray away from him because of that, including me. As far as I can remember, he never verbally express his feelings of love... He will tell everything about his ideas and thoughts of things, but never love. But he is a gentle and patient man. See that the way he is with Ibu. His tirelessly fllows every whims and fancies of Ibu, everybsingle time. And with us children, his pockets are always full. No matter how much we want, he will give, unconditionally.

That was why today, I was taken aback from his gestures. No, it was not with words but as I salam him to say goodbye, he held my hand for the longest time and gave a squeeze. A gentle look from him and asked if I am ok...if I am good? How would he know that I am at worst moment now.... Not feeling appreciated, not feeling love. How did he know in that short of time I was with him. I wanted so much to tell him, let me hold me in his arms and tell me everything will be ok, but I couldn't. Today i felt his love....so how can anything be wrong in my world. I am so loved.

Monday, February 03, 2014

Can't Make You Love Me

I can't make you love me when you don't. So I turned down the light, turn down these voices inside my head....
In this final hour, I will fight for you... I will fight for us tonight. But morning will come and I have till then, to give up this fight. I will lay down my heart and then I will give up this fight. I realise sooner or later, everyone will not put up with me and all my emotional ride. I used to think that, it is this about me that intrigued you.
I love deeply and passionately. I care, I support, I love but when you don't see it or turn a blind eyes to these, it breaks my heart. It brings me down to the dark hole where voices of doubts leaves me with uncertainties and doubt. I question my love, my intention, my value.... If I ever should be here.
But when you don't love me, it magnified the self doubt voices in my head.
So I can't make you love me when you don't. Shut up these voices , never to be heard again  and it will disappear. You will have your peace.


Sunday, May 27, 2012

Writer's Block

Lots have happened. The drama in my life in the last 6 months should have given me tonnes of inspiration to blog. Instead, the opposite happened. Not that I don't have any ideas, it is more then a writer's block, if I can call myself that. It is more of the refusal to penned out every single feelings, every minute events, every difficult moments, every insights...... I was just tired of writing and facing the endless feelings of helplessness of not being heard.

What a way to start rambling again huh?????

Thursday, November 17, 2011


Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

 William Ernest Henley (1875)


Saturday, October 29, 2011

Muruku For Love

Deepavali had passed yet again but I can still hear thunderous firecrackers while sitting up here in the apartment. People are still celebrating it the best way they know how. And as usual, in Malaysia another common way to celebrate is through food. Ted posted some Indian favourites in Malaysia and on Deepavali day we got a homemade Gulab Jamun to feast on. Muruku is Ted's favourite, it is his thinking food and we got some today from Thurka after breakfast.

But Marina Mahathir spoke about the celebration which is closer to my heart, the way I would have like it be celebrated.... Enlightenment in the way we think and live. It is ironic considering what has transpired around the world and at home before this week of Deepavali.  Somehow we need to see what is beyond   in front of us so that we can survive the future. Please read about it HERE 

Happy Deepavali friends...

Friday, October 28, 2011

Retail Therapy

It comes slowly, seeping through me. Unlike in cartoon where the light bulb suddenly pop up above your head, an idea don't appear like that. It was like a flow of motion, one following by another then another.

Like a robotic motion, as routine as it is, I drove home following the traffic flow, arrived at the designated parking in my apartment and took the elevator to the 18th floor. Absentmindedly unlocked the door, then locking it behind me and dumping my bag and keys at the usual place. Washing my face without really thinking and as the warm water touched my skin, the feeling of neglect and loneliness felt heavy. I need to go out, I must get out of my mundane routine. So instead of slipping into my loose t-shirt, I dressed up. Choosing the colour of my lipstick was the only thing I need to decide and in a second I was out the door. In my head, I mapped out my route and simultaneously the plan was executed.

Drove to ATM first and make sure I have enough cash, not too much but enough for me not to worry about limiting my spending. It is a bit too late to go to a hypermarket but Watson is just around the corner. Good enough, I thought. Not knowing what I need, I go through each aisle methodically, touching the pristine packages and bottles.  Do I need this....do I want that. Yes...No....My mind was differentiating the needs and the wants, while my hand picked out the products one by one. Within minutes, my basket was filled with items of wants and needs. Satisfied and happy as I pay the cashier, I walked to the car with a smile.

I am no longer neglect nor lonely anymore. Happiness created.....

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Friday, October 21, 2011

Honouring Time

I always have problems with time. Especially in the morning. I would like to think that I inherited this from Ayah but most likely it is because I am such a lay back person and takes time for granted. I am a late riser because I am a night owl. I just find it difficult to wake up early. But I see now that this is not a valid excuse.

So far it has not cause much problem since I learned to make my way through it but recently, my job has been effected. I am late at work and most of the time I got people to cover me at work. But lately, I feel that I take people for granted just because I take time for granted. I also see that my tempered are short and I become lethargic easily.

The year is ending and I think it is still not too late to make a new resolution. I will honour how I spend my time from now on. Be on time to work and be an early riser. After all, the early bird do get the worms and I guess it is not to late to realize that now.