Writer's Block

Lots have happened. The drama in my life in the last 6 months should have given me tonnes of inspiration to blog. Instead, the opposite happened. Not that I don't have any ideas, it is more then a writer's block, if I can call myself that. It is more of the refusal to penned out every single feelings, every minute events, every difficult moments, every insights...... I was just tired of writing and facing the endless feelings of helplessness of not being heard.

What a way to start rambling again huh?????

Retail Therapy

It comes slowly, seeping through me. Unlike in cartoon where the light bulb suddenly pop up above your head, an idea don't appear like that. It was like a flow of motion, one following by another then another.

Like a robotic motion, as routine as it is, I drove home following the traffic flow, arrived at the designated parking in my apartment and took the elevator to the 18th floor. Absentmindedly unlocked the door, then locking it behind me and dumping my bag and keys at the usual place. Washing my face without really thinking and as the warm water touched my skin, the feeling of neglect and loneliness felt heavy. I need to go out, I must get out of my mundane routine. So instead of slipping into my loose t-shirt, I dressed up. Choosing the colour of my lipstick was the only thing I need to decide and in a second I was out the door. In my head, I mapped out my route and simultaneously the plan was executed.

Drove to ATM first and make sure I have enough cash, not too much but enough for me not to worry about limiting my spending. It is a bit too late to go to a hypermarket but Watson is just around the corner. Good enough, I thought. Not knowing what I need, I go through each aisle methodically, touching the pristine packages and bottles.  Do I need this....do I want that. Yes...No....My mind was differentiating the needs and the wants, while my hand picked out the products one by one. Within minutes, my basket was filled with items of wants and needs. Satisfied and happy as I pay the cashier, I walked to the car with a smile.

I am no longer neglect nor lonely anymore. Happiness created.....

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Honouring Time

I always have problems with time. Especially in the morning. I would like to think that I inherited this from Ayah but most likely it is because I am such a lay back person and takes time for granted. I am a late riser because I am a night owl. I just find it difficult to wake up early. But I see now that this is not a valid excuse.

So far it has not cause much problem since I learned to make my way through it but recently, my job has been effected. I am late at work and most of the time I got people to cover me at work. But lately, I feel that I take people for granted just because I take time for granted. I also see that my tempered are short and I become lethargic easily.

The year is ending and I think it is still not too late to make a new resolution. I will honour how I spend my time from now on. Be on time to work and be an early riser. After all, the early bird do get the worms and I guess it is not to late to realize that now.

Balance

We live our life the best we know how. We know there will be good times, and bad times. At times we will be high up on cloud nine, and at times we will be buried deep with problems. We like to look at the glass half full, but sometimes we see it half empty. It is all about pushing and pulling.

Our life's journey is all about finding the balance, to stay happy despite grieving. To be inspired even when we ran out of muse. To stay hungry for life even if we are half alive... It is all about balancing and juggling. If only it is easy... But then again, you can't appreciate joy if you don't know sadness...

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Please Come In

Baby Blues

Ted and I have been married for exactly 2 years 3 months. In that time, between the 2 of us we had seen 10 other couples unite in love. And till of date all of them had either conceived or had the experience of their first born. At work, 9 of my nurses became pregnant and all had delivered their babies. Another 2 are pregnant and happily going through the antenatal uneventfully....so far.

As for Ted and I, we are still trying and waiting. Every month, I counted my cycles and in batted breath wait for the telltale signs of my period. And each month of that 27 months, without failed, my menses came and confirmed that we have not conceived again. Time and time again, the sinking feeling of emptiness and failure came over me. In the first few months, I was hardly aware of that feeling. But lately, I noticed the feelings seemed to linger longer then the months before....especially when I see my pregnant friends and nurses. Of course I joked about them, how I scolded my nurses for not waiting and allowing me to be pregnant first before they do. I also tried the positive tone by telling me if they allow me to touch their beautiful pregnant belly, I might get it too, pretending that it is infectious. I also tried the denial bits, how I am not a mother material. Then there was the rationalization of the whole situation....that I am too old to be pregnant and it is stupid to think that I could. Only left are the bargaining and praying.....

With all the modern medicine and abandoned babies lying around me, there other possibilities of us having another child. But they are not something that I can consider now. What I want are being late in my menses, the joyful surprise of seeing the plus signs on the pregnancy test kit, the morning sickness, the gaining weight and seeing my belly grow, the uncomfortable part of swelling feet , the shopping for maternity dress, the pain of being in labour....and a lot more, spontaneously without effort.

I have seen women who failed when they became obsessed of getting pregnant. I refused to be one of them. I tell myself consciously that it will happened when it happened. No point dreading about it now. But I am afraid my  conscious effort are draining my energy and my happiness away. Everyday, the weariness is more and more and I am so afraid that I can't accept being childless. Of course we have Aiman and that is a lot to be grateful for. But when Ted talked about the feeling of seeing and holding your first born for the first time the other day,  I realized  could not share the same joy and for the first time I was overcome with feeling of sadness about my whole situation. For the first time, I felt alone in this marriage and don't want this to eat me away....Maybe, it is about time I try the praying part huh????

I Like You.

A lot of people say the most powerful 3 words are I LOVE YOU. I beg to differ.

Love is such a powerful word, in a lot of ways. And it can mean differently to different people or situation> A mother's love are different from a father's love. Your siblings can love you because it is a given and a friends' love are some feeling that grew over years of going through moments together and mostly the crazier and happier times. A lover's love are spoken over lust and and the way I see it sometimes it doesn't last. So when you fell in love with someone, it is just because the feelings are true to that moment when you look into that person's eyes and feel that butterfly knot at the pit of your stomach. But like any other sensation that appears in your gut, it will dissipate after a while.
But hearing someone actually telling you that he likes you, that would be the ultimate true testament. That the feeling won't disappear. I like you...means that he likes the good that he sees in you but also he would be able to take the bad too. He likes your loudness and your quietness all at the same time. He likes that you are quirky at times and probably like that you have all your mental capacities intact all the time. He probably would be able to swallow that atrocious nasi goreng you made because he likes that you made an effort to cook. He probably would like to hold your hands or cuddle you just because he knows you like that.

Liking someone is not just enjoying the best of you but also accepting the worst of you. And it is the truest feeling anybody could have of you....and you can't fake it. If you don't like someone, you just can't stand being with him/her. You just can't.
Whats worst is what if you feel that you are not like.... Would you want to be around someone who doesn't like you? I would not, I rather not. But I would do almost anything to be like... would try my best to do things that would make him happy. Agreed whenever he asked and never say no. And maybe would never asked for anything that he would not want to do..... I am the kind of person that love to be like, and it is my burden that I carry. The burden of wanting to please everyone.

Alone

It is funny how when you are left alone with your thoughts, how far you can go. You can be here in the presence where reality is and then it becomes blurry when the thoughts of the past suddenly crept in. And in split seconds your thoughts takes you to the future, of how you see yourself tomorrow or in 10 years to come.  Somehow in thoughts, times sometimes overlap each other. Like a song I heard....a fool will loose tomorrow, reaching out  to yesterday..... I don't want to be like this. So I won't let my past control what I do today and in the end loose whatever future I might have.

Reflections

Ted is off to Perak for a training. Left early this morning after sahur and I missed him immediately. We are hardly apart and I never like the idea of him being away. But his work does take him everywhere, unlike mine that have 9 to 5 job.

When he is away, I have so many plans....clean the apartment, organize the kitchen, reorganize my wardrobe and so many more. For now, those are still plans. I ended up going back to Seremban to berbuka with Ibu. She called earlier last night and said it was her turned to cook for moreh and thought it would be good for me to come back since they have tahlil for my grandparents and Mama. How could I say no. So I drove back to Seremban after work. Times like this made me grateful that Ibu is just an hour away. I am so blessed in so many ways and living close to my parents are one of those blessings.

Ibu was happy and she even allowed me a short nap. She understand about my work more then I realized. The berbuka was chaotic as it is Thursday night and most of the Taman Bukit Kelana residents came for the prayer. But I loved it, it was nice to see how close knit our neighbourhood is. Prayers were brief and easy. I helped to wash dishes, as usual.

But what really got me tonight was the tahlil. Hearing the names of my loved ones that passed brought back a melancholic sort of feelings. Tok Rahim, Tok Taib, Tok Cu, Tok Ling, Mama....I missed them more then I like to admit. I wish that they are still around to see me where I am, to see us family happy. I hope wherever they are, they know this. Today, prayers were sent out to them in heaven. I wonder if I would have the same strength and capacity when I have to do similar act for my parents when they are gone. I don't know why this thought came to me today. It is not something that I would wish for but I know there will come a day where prayers would be the only thing I could offer. I just wonder if I could do them justice as they had done for their parents..... I pray that God will give the capacity to remember this when the time comes.

Apabila mati seseorang anak Adam itu, terputus ia semua hal kecuali 3 perkara:
1) Doa anak-anak yang soleh
2) Ilmu yang bermanfaat
3) Sedekah amal jariah

Make You Feel My Love - Part 2

I love this acoustic version...allows me to sing along

Bryan Rason

Make You Feel My Love

The first self portrait taken of us...which now become our tradition, wherever we go

It is Saturday and was watching Bones reruns. The final episode for Season 6 was playing and at the end of the show they had this song playing in the background...To Make You Feel My Love by Adele. I could here it in the background and immediately drawn to it. Google it and found out it is a song by Bob Dylan written years ago. I was not surprised that such deep lyrics and beautiful tune came from a passionate song writer. What he wrote brought out a feeling that was familiar to me years ago when I dated Ted.

As any couple we had our ups and downs, and yes it was roller coaster ride. The kind that you could only get if you put 2 passionate people together. I guess at one point, Ted was at a cross road  and he just disappeared. No fights, no words, no explanation. I was left confused and almost gave up on the relationship. I think I did at the end, just before he came back. And when he did came back, he was meant to stay. Yes we made up and got married 6 months after that.

The lyrics of this song brought out all the feelings I had for him before that final surrender. But I guess when I surrendered, it was not me giving up but it simply meant that I did all I could to have him back and simply wait if he would fight for me too.

The Lyrics:

When the rain  is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows
And the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong

I'd go hungry
I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
Though winds of change
Are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing like me yet

I could make you happy
Make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love

The Story Of Us

Just came back from dinner in Raintree, guests of Adlin & Mel who just got inducted into the prestigious club. It was a black-tie affair so I put a bit of effort in dressing up. Turned out it was not that hard. Anyway, it was fun to dressed up and go for dinner once in a while. Mel was lovely as usual and the men were sharp in their suits. Dinner was delectable and we were entertained by a duo band which played my favourite genre....swings and jazz. All in all it was a lovely affair. We picked Aiman up afterwards and after dropping Ted off for a meeting, Aiman & I went back to Setapak. Aiman was animated in the car, and he lifted my mood a bit.

Now I am sitting in the apartment, blogging while HBO is showing the movie The Story Of Us starring Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfeiffer. I love this movie. Directed by Rob Reiner and it tells the story of a couple who had been married for over 15 years. It is told from both perspectives and how their relationship had evolved. Parts that I like most are the ritual they created to start a conversation...to talked about the Highs and the Lows of their days. What a genius idea to start a conversation going. It gave each one of them to be the talker as well as a listener.

The trailer

Of course the movie is about the ups and downs of a marriage and how at a breaking point, it was saved. But then again it is a feel good movie and it has to have a happy ending. But it gave me such a great feeling knowing that any marriage would have its up and downs. It all boils down of how much you want it to work. If you are willing to go back to the basic of it all, and why you married that man in the first place, reminding yourself of all the great qualities and the reason why you married him in the first place, any marriage could be save.
 
Stop and listen....talk about your grievances.... tolerate the flaws...accept the shortcomings....and most of all respect the person next to you as a partner..... part of the recipe of a long lasting marriage. Maybe there are more but my marriage is only 15 months old and I know there are a lot more coming. I am here for the long run & I wish to be reminded of the good things when I don't  feel appreciated...or as if I am taken for granted ....or when I think I was not heard nor love enough. This is the reason for this blog. The story of us is yet to be written but it is a work in progress. This blog is just a reminder of how I should be feeling when I feel the "lows" more then the "highs".

My Worth

We are in Malacca for a course....actually I am here on an invitation to give a talk on children with heart disease. So naturally they promise to provide me a place here. At the last minute, they change my hotel from Avillion Legacy to Orkid Hotel. My first thought, ok lah... At least I have a room.
As I check into the room in Orkid, my excitement turned into dismay. This is not a hotel but like Ted would described it... This is "hotel ayam". The wall was stained, carpet was thin and dusty... And the bathroom just underwent a repair a few seconds before I enter as dust of paint was everywhere. My thought was, how can an NGO organiser book a room like this for a doctor from a distinguish place like IJN? They might as well place me on the street.
Anyway, I would like to think myself as an accomodating person. I would not mind the place so much as long as it is clean... But I have to put a certain standard in my taste... And that place was definitely unacceptable.
Needless to say, Ted & I walked out and checked out. We drove around a bit and luckily found Bayview... Which is a lot more cleaner. The price difference is only RM 70.
So, the thing is, I have to have a certain standard with my life... And this doesn't mean that I am pompous but just that I know what my worth is.
By the way.... BNR and Malacca government.... You suck at organising events!!!!!
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Invinsible

People around me don't hear me... They don't see me.... I might as well be invinsible.
So I decided to just be quiet. What's the point of trying to say anything when what you say come across as trivial and unimportant... You say something and all you get is silence, no respond... So what?
Or when you ask for something, you came across as a nuisance, a beggar? Stop asking and stop talking. Nothing you say is important enough.
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25 Random Things....

1. I am actually a shy person... it's just that I am very good at hiding it.

2. I constantly worry about my weight and size but then I love to eat, especially banana leaf rice, Burger King's Whopper Jr., Subway Sandwiches, mama's and Aida's Laksa Johore.... and my boyfriend's cooking. He is amazing in the kitchen!

3. I like the tones of blue. When I was in college, my wardrobe was 99.99% in blue. Zila will vouch for it. But now I am somewhat changed. Love earthtone, pastels colour outfit... and even red/pink.

4. I have knock knee and flat feet, so I can't stand straight in Yoga. When you suppose to do the sun position with feet closed together...my feet are always apart.

5. I am an impulsive buyer. Never bring me to a sale of anything. Once I had lunch with Aida in Amcorp Mall and I pass Mac shop, I end up buying a Mac.... that was the most expensive impulsive thing I have ever done.

6. I love my eyebrows and eyelashes. My best assets

7. When I was in High School, Ayah bought us a set of encyclopedia. Used to come home from school and pick randomly at pages and read about sharks, Greek Mythology, World War 2 and Hitler's tyranny. I was a verocious reader.

8. I love buying shoes. I kept them in individual boxes with photos of the shoes plastered on the box. At the moment I have about 25 pairs...and planning to have more.

9. My pet peeves.... people littering especially those that threw things out from the car windows.

10. My biggest dream at this moment.... to have a baby of my own.

11. My favourite movie of all time... Cruel intentions. Watched it a zillion gazillion times (if there is such a word)

12. Love going to the cinemas. At times, I go to the cinemas alone. Just me and a box of popcorn.

13. I am cry baby....cry at weddings, at funerals, when patients die, when patient healed and go home, when other people cries, at movies, at theatre, when a favourite sad songs playing in the radio, and most of all.... during trainings!!!!!

14. I am not a morning person. I love sleeping in late.

15. I am the eldest in the family of 3 siblings but I am the baby. Very the manja one lah... and kuat merajuk.

16. I love being in my mother's garden or going to the park, but I can't plant anything even to save my life. I can even kill cactus

17. I am learning to enjoy cooking. It is part of my LP DOE. Used to hate being in the kitchen.

18. I have ugly toe nails...even weekly pedicure won't help.

19. I hate needles, can't stand the sight of it. But I prick people with needles everyday. And everytime i do that, my stomach churned inside.

20. I don't like spicy sambal or curry but I love cili padi in soya sauce.

21. I love the smell of a freshly cut grass after a rainy day. And walking barefoot on it is like a therapy for me.

22. I like taking a drive at night, not going anywhere, being everywhere.

23. I love the water but not the ocean. Traumatized because I nearly drowned in Tioman whan I was 7 yrs. So whenever I go snorkelling.... I always stick to the shallow part.

24. I have a bad habit of pulling on my hair especially when I watch TV. I see Ayah does the same thing too.

25. I have no fashion sense at all. I am comfortable in sweat shirt and baggy pants.

My new Baby...The BB

Ted bought a BB finally, a few months ago. I follow suit after a few weeks. Now we are learning new stuff about it....which is cool and made us love BB even more. I even will go far as saying it is one of the best phone/gadget I ever own.

Now I can check e-mail or even browse the net anytime, anywhere. I am able to take photos and share it with friends immediately. The other day while I was shopping for Harith's present, I saw this nice glass jar. I took a photo of it and BBM it to Ted immediately.

Just recently, we discovered the GPS in BB.... I am ecstatic. No more being lost or having to call Haris for directions. Since I am not familiar in driving in KL, the GPS really really helps. 

We also save on messages since we only use the BB messenger, which is free. The fun part is that we get to send messages to the Remedy members since all of us use BB. We get to have some fun and hang out with friends even if they are far.... how cool is that!!!!!

I even get to blog on the go....

Bakawali - Flash In A Pan

Epiphyllum oxypetalum (Dutchman's Pipe,Night Queen,Night blooming Cereus or Gul-e-Bakawali) is a species of cactus. The Chinese idiom 曇花一現 (tan hua yi xian) uses this flower (tan-hua; 曇花) to describe someone who has an impressive but very brief moment of glory, like a "flash in a pan", since the flower can take a year to bloom and only blooms over a single night. Therefore someone described as "曇花一現" is generally understood to be a person who shows off or unexpectedly gains some achievement and is thought to be an exception or only lucky.

Once in a blue moon, Mak's Bakawali will flower. Supposedly it is quite difficult to bloom but since I joined the family, Mak's plant had bloomed 4 times. But we have to see the bloom at midnight... which is a treat for me. It is not just an amazingly beautiful flower but it smells great. If you are patient enough, you get to see it opens up. It takes about half an hour to open from a bud to a full bloom flower.

Ibu  had this picture taken from Datin Zuraidah's plant a year ago. Ayah MMS it to me.

4 AM

It is a quarter passed 4 am.... Can't sleep. We are sleeping in Cheras. Have not been back here to sleep since a couple of week. We are moving to Ted's condo in Setapak & busy setting up & renovating it. It is a rewarding slow process. Place is in a shambles but it already fills like home. But being back in Cheras made me feel that this is home too. Ted renovate this place too and it is so cozy and comfortable. I am definitely going to miss here... But looking forward to live in Setapak.

Setapak...being renovated. View from the balcony is breathtaking

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A Change of Heart

I haven't open my blog in a while... just have nothing to write about.

When I finally open it yesterday, I discovered they have some funky new design for templates. As I skimmed through the variety of designs, I thought how my taste in colour had changed over the years.

20 years ago when I was in college, blue was the only colour I would choose for anything, be it my room or my attire. 99% of what I owned would be a shade of blue. My friends used to make fun of me, but then again it was easy for them to get me anything. Find something in blue and they are set.

These last few years, my favourite had took a turn to the opposite of blue. I tend to look at an earthy tone....brown, beige even tangerine. And recently.... red and pink. We made a trip to PD recently and stopped over at Ted's new favourite shop. Aiman saw this nice pink tote bag and showed it to me....claimed I would love it.... and he was right. I did fell in love with it, immediately! A few months back... I decided I wanted a red handbag...and I got one.




So I guess you can never be absolute about anything. When it comes to the matter of the eyes and the heart..... they do change as you get older, just like the colour of your hair.

Music to heal

Malaysia Philharmonic Orchestra in collaboration with the IJN
Foundation decided to have a mini concert in Melor today. It was such a joy to see my patient smiling while listening to the beautiful sounds from the cello, clarinet, trombone, trumpet arranged in a musical notes..... They even had a chance to be a part of the orchestra, playing the rattler and the tambourine.

I almost had tears in my eye when I saw Safiyah, a patient that has been in IJN for almost 2 months, smiling and shaking a rattler. She looks almost happy. Just half hour ago, I took her blood and she was putting up such a fuss. The music made her forget.... Even if it is just for a little while.

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