Baby Blues

Ted and I have been married for exactly 2 years 3 months. In that time, between the 2 of us we had seen 10 other couples unite in love. And till of date all of them had either conceived or had the experience of their first born. At work, 9 of my nurses became pregnant and all had delivered their babies. Another 2 are pregnant and happily going through the antenatal uneventfully....so far.

As for Ted and I, we are still trying and waiting. Every month, I counted my cycles and in batted breath wait for the telltale signs of my period. And each month of that 27 months, without failed, my menses came and confirmed that we have not conceived again. Time and time again, the sinking feeling of emptiness and failure came over me. In the first few months, I was hardly aware of that feeling. But lately, I noticed the feelings seemed to linger longer then the months before....especially when I see my pregnant friends and nurses. Of course I joked about them, how I scolded my nurses for not waiting and allowing me to be pregnant first before they do. I also tried the positive tone by telling me if they allow me to touch their beautiful pregnant belly, I might get it too, pretending that it is infectious. I also tried the denial bits, how I am not a mother material. Then there was the rationalization of the whole situation....that I am too old to be pregnant and it is stupid to think that I could. Only left are the bargaining and praying.....

With all the modern medicine and abandoned babies lying around me, there other possibilities of us having another child. But they are not something that I can consider now. What I want are being late in my menses, the joyful surprise of seeing the plus signs on the pregnancy test kit, the morning sickness, the gaining weight and seeing my belly grow, the uncomfortable part of swelling feet , the shopping for maternity dress, the pain of being in labour....and a lot more, spontaneously without effort.

I have seen women who failed when they became obsessed of getting pregnant. I refused to be one of them. I tell myself consciously that it will happened when it happened. No point dreading about it now. But I am afraid my  conscious effort are draining my energy and my happiness away. Everyday, the weariness is more and more and I am so afraid that I can't accept being childless. Of course we have Aiman and that is a lot to be grateful for. But when Ted talked about the feeling of seeing and holding your first born for the first time the other day,  I realized  could not share the same joy and for the first time I was overcome with feeling of sadness about my whole situation. For the first time, I felt alone in this marriage and don't want this to eat me away....Maybe, it is about time I try the praying part huh????