Empathy: The capacity or ability to understand and share the feelings of others, be it a sad or a happy ones. In my profession, this is something that is necessary but sadly lack in most of my colleagues. Maybe it was never in them but I would like to think that we probably bury it deep in ourselves, so that we can distant ourselves from the suffering, so that we can better served them. I on the other hand, held on to this ability to empathize because I always believed that it is vital in my job. I need to empathize so that I can serve them better. If I know how they feel, if I put myself in their position, I could stay with them longer and serve them better. I would never imagine myself without empathy....
But somehow I lost it yesterday.... I just refuse to empathize and instead I dwell so much into my anger, into the situation I was in. It is not a feeling I am proud of and I knew I will regret it later....now.
While preparing Sasikumaran for his surgery yesterday, I did not stop and think how he would feel. I knew the feeling of helplessness and despair but I did not want to feel it, I continued doing what was needed to prepare him and I block out the cry and the scream. We finally sedated him for the procedure and he was taken to the OT. He came back 4 hours later....the surgery did not go well and he succumbed to his condition 3 hours after that. I found out about his demise the day after. Suddenly I thought of his mom and I hate myself for how I treated him during his last few hours of consciousness. Yes I was doing my job but not in a way that I could be proud of. I realized that by loosing empathy I would gain remorse... it is a feeling I never would want to know again, ever.
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