To be or to be more

I need to be more, I long to be more.... more then what I am. My Basics Training gave me the beliefs that I should strive for excellence, being better then what I am today. It is an amazing feelings knowing that I am put on this earth for something more.... that I should think out of the box, think big, dream the impossible.
I got one foot in the door....signed up and commited for my Advanced Living despite having 2 calls on the dates for the Advanced. Any time before the Basics, I would have given up just by looking at the dates, thrown in the towel, raised my hand in surrender, thinking it is impossible to change calls last minute. But f I didn't try, how would I know I would succeed. So I tried.... I begged... I made deals with the "devil".... gave my 110%.... and I got it. I got the calls changed. It is an amazing feeling getting the impossible done. It is liberating. I achieved what I set out to do. Next step is to get off from work on those dates, an equally tough tasks, considering that it will be a stretch of 3 days of leaves that I don't have. Hmmmmm.... I need to be creative. Its all about placing the other foot in.... and I am in.

Never Been To Me...

Last week was the most exhausting and yet enriching time I ever had. I can't remember the last time I ever felt so alive. I bought a ticket to the the most fullfilling journey. I am so excited.
Ted introduced me to Asiaworks, said that it would help me find myself. Hmmmm.... I was abit sceptical but I enroll into the course not knowing what to expect. They say it can't be explained because it is all about the experienced.... so enroll aje lah.
90 total strangers packed in a hall for 5 days.... given the chance to experience the magic of being alive, being human. We did crazy exercises that in any other circumstances would be thought to be insane.... but what we got out of it all was self awareness, self importance, self esteem, life's purpose. I never thought that a short period of 5 days just being in a room of strangers would thought me to love myself, to appreciate who I am .... to find my purpose in this world. It was liberating.
Now I have goals that I never dare to set. I am setting myself to experience life, the way I had always imagine it would be. It's OK that I fail.... but I will keep setting higher goals, coz if I never stop.... I never really fail. And if I succeed..... imagine the priceless rewards it could bring.

Abscence

This new relationship is a bit weird for me. I worked office hour, when I am not on call. Other then that I think I lead a fairly normal mundane existence. I go to work.... come back... watch the box... or sleep. Ever since I met him, it has been fairly exciting. He takes me places around KL that I never dare go on my own. Places that I never knew existed. Like this fishing place behind the Zoo.... or Galaxy, the so called shopping complex that is just 5 minutes from my place.... or even Low Yat Plaza, which always seemed so inaccessible due to the traffics.
He works when he wants to. when projects arises, that will keep him away at a week at a time. Like this time. He will be so busy meeting up deadlines, he doesn't even have time to talk on the phone, let alone meeting up with me. So, now I am back to my old routines.... watching the box at night.
It seemed to be easier being alone when I am suppose to be alone.....

ABBA fanatic

I saw Mama Mia the musical. As expected it was saturated with Abba's song.... and I loved it. I am not a fanatic but the movie made me one. I always thought their songs are a bit too cliche, too 7o's, a time space that was associated with flower people and hippies, but i am slowly and surely changing my mind. I loved those time. Abba's music are so meaningful without over bearing and they are a great fun to listen to. Have to get the CD next time I am in speedy....

Fairy tales come true?

I finally found somebody that fits me like a glove... in every way.



Ever since I was a baby girl
I had a dream
Cinderella theme
Crazy as it seems
Always knew that deep inside
that there would come that day
But I would have to wait
Make so many mistakes
I couldn't comprehend
As I watched it unfold
This classic story told
I left it in the cold
Walking through an open door
that led me back to you
Each one unlocking more of the truth
I finally stopped tripping on my youth
I finally got lost inside of you
I finally know that I needed to grow
And finally my mate has met my soul


[chorus]
Finally
Now my destiny can begin
Though we will have our differences
Something strange and new is happening
Finally
Now my life doesn't seem so bad
It's the best that I've ever had
Give my love to him finally
MMMMMMMM
I remember the beginning you already knew
I acted like a fool
Just trying to be cool
Fronting like it didn't matter
I just ran away
And on another phase
Was lost in my own space
Found what its like to hurt selfishly
Scared to give of me
Afraid to just believeI was in a jealous, insecure, pathetic place
Stumbled through the mess that I have made
Finally got out of my own way
I've Finally started living for today
I finally know that I needed to grow
And finally my mate has met my soul

[chorus]
Finally
Now my destiny can begin
Though we will have a different set
Something strange and new is happening
Finally
Now my life doesn't seem so bad
It's the best that I've ever had
Gave my love to him
Finally
MMMMMMMM
Finally, FinallyFinally
Now my destiny can begin
Though we will have our differences
Something beautiful is happening, happening
Finally
Now my life doesn't seem so bad
It's the best that I've ever had
Give my love to him finally

Ohhhhhhh, Finally, Finally, finally

The Big Happy Green Elephant

I love fine dining,especially trying out new places to eat. I am quite adventurous in trying new things to satisfy my palate... sometimes it work and sometimes it can be disastrous. Unlike a friend of mine who always order spagehetti bolognaise wherever she goes... I am the one who would choose the dishes that I never heard of.... or any dishes that can catch my eyes with catchy names.
So we went to a place called Ali Yaa that served Sri Lankan dishes. I had no expectations at all.... just thought it would be fun to eat in a place that don't cook a patte placed between 2 buns in less then 2 minutes.... or in a place where I don't have to queue with a tray... I was excited to be served.
The place had a very cozy ambience, friendly and witty waiters.... and a menu that tickles my funny bone silly. They named a simple vegetable Bryani - The Happy Big Green Elephant. It caught my eyes instantly so I had to try it. I was not disappointed. It didnt look at all like a happy elephant but it was tasty and I soon forget that it has no meat at all. Even their rasam was good.... a simple tamarind broth made regal with an addition of crab... something that I enjoy to the last spoonful. We top it all of with payassam(hope I spell it right)....
One think for sure... being adventurous with food has its rewards.... last night I hit the jackpot. Just have to tell myself to stay away from my weighing scale for few weeks....at least till I burned all the the fat I consumed last night.

Frangipanni In My Hair

Bali to say the least was amazing. It was a dream holiday for me. My whole life, there are only 2 places I dreamt to see... saw Paris... and now Bali.
We arrived late afternoon and I was geared up to see more. But that first day was spend enjoying the quiet quaint Seminyak Suite's pool and people. It was lazy.... and relaxing. Balinese are very friendly as in any resort place but they were pleasant as well without being intrusive. I like that.....

The next day we saw a batik factory. It was only natural because we were in Indonesia... and we girls do what we do best....shop. But the highlight of the day was having lunch in Ubud . We had a heavenly view of Gunung Batur.... I didn't want to leave the place.

We went snorkelling the next day and I got stung by a jellyfish. That didn't damper my spirit and I set forth to discover the colourful world of marine life. Sadly I had no pictures of them cause I didn't have any underwater camera....but trust me.... they were beautiful. Our trusted snorkelling guide were agile underwater and made the experience unforgettable.

We visited the turtle sanctuary but I thought it was sad because it was unnatural to see such peaceful creature caged up. Lunch was at Kuta beach..... view of the rolling waves was all I could take as I was not brave enough to try surfing.

Had a lovely Italian dinner in Kuta beach , walking with a Frangipanni flower in my hair.... it was the best pizza I ever tasted. Who knew that I could have the best pizza in Indonesia. I went mad at shopping for souvenirs the next day in Kuta beach.

Second last day was spend doing the most famous Balinese tradition.... head to toe spa. It was just what the doctor would prescribed.... Shirodara treatment is the best treatment for stress..... you would never look at Valium ever again. i think I am already addicted to spa. I would definitely go back to Bali....one day....

The Third Prime Minister

They say that Tun Dr.Ismail was a reluctant politician. I never understood that and I never bother reading about him even though my brother bought a book about him. Politic is a subject that interest me as much as watching a mould grow on a stale bread. But a musical is something else.... it could sweetened up the sourish subject such as politics.
So we went to watch Ismail, The Last Day.... It was an interesting takes on the our second Deputy PM, who actually died as our acting PM. It turned out that Tun Razak was away visiting Canada at the time.
I went there expecting to be bored with political story but I was pleasantly surprised. The musical focus on the emotional states of the late Tun. At the end of the May 13 riot, he was ready to quit the political life but realised that he was still needed to stabilized the country. He sacrifed his family.... his wife.... his unborn child... and himself ..... to ensure that the country united, which was thought to be impossible at the time. It was moving and at the same time enlightening. I had a lump in my throat through out the show.The music were simple and yet beautiful. Johari Salleh proved why he is one of the most talented composer in the country..... he managed to potray the emotional depth of a man gone years ago into the present so that all of us can understand what he went through, the struggle of trying to do the right things when everything is wrong.
I realised a lot were sacrificed by our early politician to ensure that Malaysia becomes what it is right now..... it is sad to see the political scene now. Everything seemed to fall apart and what our Tuns fought for seemed to go to the undeserving fools.... Oh well....

Stuck In The Middle

My worst nightmare came true last night. I was on my way out, going to the gym. Beforehand I was sitting at home feeling lazy. Options of staying at home stuffing myself somehow loose out to sweating on the threadmill...so I decided the gym. All dressed up and gearing to go. My back pack slung on my left shoulder.... water bottle and shoe bag in my left hand. Grabbed my keys from the shoe cabinet.... Locked the door behind me and ready to open the padlock on the grilled. As I stared down in my right hand, I heard the door closed behind me...... and the dreaded realisation that I have the wrong key!!!!! Can't open the door and can't open the padlock because the right set of keys is still sitting on the shoe cabinet inside the apartment..... I was TRAPPED!!!!!
I am the type of person that gets easily embarrased .... so screaming for help is not an option. Thank God I have my phone. Called Aida.... no answer ( she is at the gym).Called Asrof.... no answer.Called Asnida and told her my predicament. She is in Klang and Asrof not with her. Even if they are nearby, not much they can do to prevent me from being humiliated. Sitting there in my cage..... i was contemplating kicking the door. HHmmmmmmm??????
My front neighbour finally open his door and volunteered to called the guard. Few minutes later Aida return my call.... and everything happened at the same time... Neighbour came back with the guard.... another neighbour walked by with his family.... so much for not embarrassing myself.
I finally got my neighbour to take my padlock spare key in my car....open the padlock and I was free. Rushed to Aida's to get my spare house key..... By the end of the night, I was so mentally exhausted from the embarrasment, I just went to bed and had a nightmare about being in a cage hung over an abyss.......

Better In Time

Was driving home from work yesterday. As usual, I couldn't stick to a single radio channel. Then suddenly, the tuner stopped at Fly FM.... and the familiar beginning of a song intro filled up the car. A song that I heard once before .... but caught my attention because of the meaningful lyrics, that reflects how I feel about him. Every line of the song was relating to my lost, my will to survive and be happy without him, my fear that the hurts will still be there even after the wound healed....

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going
Coming
Thought I heard a knock(Whose there? No one?)
Thinking that (I deserve it)
Now I have realised
That I really didn't knooOooOw

If you didn't notice
You mean everything (quickly I'm learning)
To love again (all I know is)
I'm be oooOook

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's going to hurt when it heals too
Oh yeaah (It'll All get better in time)
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile because I deserve tooOooh (It'll all get better in time

I could of turned on the TV
Without something that would remind me
Was it all that easy?
To just put us out your feeling

If i'm dreaminDon't want to let it (hurt my feelings)
But that's the past (i believe it)
And I know that, time will heal it

If you didn't notice
Well you mean everything (quickly i'm learning)
Oooh turn up again (All I know is)
I will be ok

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals tooOooh yeah(It'll all get better in time)
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile because I deserve too oooooh(It'll all get better in time)

Since there's no more you and me (No more you and me)
This time I let you go so I can be free
And Live my life how it should be(No No No No No No)
No matter how hard it is
I will be fine without you
Yes I Will

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals tooOooh(It'll all get better in time)
Even though I really loved you
I'm gonna smile cos I deserve too yes I do(It'll all get better in time)

Favourite TV adverts....

I have been gaining weight because I have skipped going to the gym.... Don't feel motivated, lazy, tired, depressed..... and more. So what do I do instead of exercising? I watched a lot of TV... and adverts. Here are my list of favourites (Hmmm.. this is an indication how bored I am with my lifeand I should get a new one!!!!!)

1. Sony Face Detection Handycam - a group of toddlers doing that antics of vandalism. Never knew that vandalism could be shocking and funny and amusing at the same time.
2. Bridgestones Tire - a couple of butterlies, perching on trees, flowers, leaves but could never kiss because of unsteady surfaces.... finally get to kiss on a moving car with Bridgestone tires. The puckering extended lips of the butterflies were so cute... great special effects
3. Digi Postpaid (Big brother bully) - Flashback of 2 siblings where the older brother bullied the younger one, then back to the present, they are talking on the phone. This just remind me of my childhood with my siblings. Thought I never bully my siblings much.... we had our fights. Now we are the best of friends, they are my rock.
4. Ogawa Mother's Day advert- that Chinese boy with the chores vouchers just tugged my heart maximum.... tears wells up in my eyes everytime I see it.

I am bored... and boredom is going to kill me. Have too much time on my hand. Going back to the gym tomorrow!!!!!!

This is Maira's blog... I used to have loads of her pic on my PC. Unfortunately it was stolen from me. So most of Maira's first 3 years of life have no photos as her mom/my sis thought she could get the photos from me later. Well little did we know that the pic would be lost with the pc..... Anyway.... Aida, I am making sure the pics are here forever....

I have a few more which can't be loaded here....

Foreign relations

A few weeks ago my work place was visited by a group of US/UK based non-profitable organization, aiming at forging a working relationship in terms of training, exchanging expertise and improving our working techniques. I, unofficially and accidentally got roped in as part of the organizing committee.
I laboured in preparing the proper cases for us to present to them....and I quietly grumbled at these extra duties that has been given to me.As if I don't have enough work to do.Not only I have to search for these cases, I have to make repeated phone calls to people that still live in the stone ages where they don't believe in telephones, thus making my work ten-fold harder. Then I have to prepare the work sheets so that they can be presented properly, I have to make sure they are call in at the right time, prepare a place for them in the ward... and above all make sure they are all prep for our foreign friends. But little did I realised at this point of time that all these effort could be so worth while, rewarding, life changing experienced.
These foreigners, each an expert in their own fields, not only shared their technical skills and modern method for peanuts, they also reminded me of lessons which I could not learned from the text books. The finer arts of medicine....committment to the job, empathy to the patience and family, honesty in doing your best. Characters that should have been compulsory when venturing into this field. I had these when I first started out. Didn't loose all of it along the way but I know the passion to healed do waned and withered.... but once in a while, a wake up call is needed to put me back in my spot. It took these people from outside... foreigners.... to show me that I should be kinder to my fellow Malaysians in their time of need and grief.
I should grumbled less, work honestly, empathized more with my patience.... try to make their time in the hospital more bearable. Being sick is already an unimaginable tortureand ordeal... I am there to help, not blamed.

Written in the Stars...

"Holding on to the past and all that entails, including various other articles that you've grown out of, is managing to clutter up your social life as well as your cupboards! Throw away the emotional baggage for one; and then give your favourite charity a call and have the junk picked up. Nothing is so refreshing as a clean up - inside and out! "

.... This was predicted for me today. The irony is that I have been wanting to de-clutter my life, physically and emotionally, in the past week. My apartment is a mess. I haven't swept the floor for days.... haven't water the plants.... my dirty clothes are overflowing from the laundry bins. I just don't feel like cleaning up. I will start but stopped immediately, was overwhelmed with the clutter.Instead of continuing.... I gave up. Convince myself that I still have tomorrow. I started compiling all the receipts and forms for my tax claim last night. Realized that I do keep a lot of junk mails.
(Tax season. I dread it because yet again, I will be reminded of how much debt I am in. I have yet to fill up the form... e-filing does not make it easier. Just made me procrastinate the inevitable.)

My apartment reflects what I feel inside. I am all cluttered inside, emotionally. I want to let him go but I can't. Constantly thinking of him, wondering if he thinks of me at all.It hurts and I know I can keep it inside me but there are times I feel like screaming. I want to find true love... be in love and give love but yet I feel comfortable alone, not having to connect emotionally to anybody. I love my family, want them to be happy yet I am not doing what I should do to give my Ibu peace of mind, nor am I spending more time with them. This in itself leaves me feeling guilty and unhappy.

I need a change.... I need to want to change.... I need to have the strengh to keep wanting these changes.

Vanishings

I become a fan and acute follower of the American Idols Season 8 this year. Initially because I was bored, and not much was on TV... then Michael Johns made it impossible to stay away. He was this Australian born American who had a sort of mysterious tv charisma along with a sexy voice wrapped up in a hot body.... Anyway, he was surprisingly kicked out. Sad....

I watched the Idol anyway despite the abscence of Mr.Johns. They were singing Mariah Careys songs... I couldn't miss it. I always love MC's songs especially her earlier albums when she sounded fresh and memorable. Syesha Mercado sang he older song Vanishing.... I always love that one even though it was not one of the famous song. Reminded me of my time in India... some private flashbacks rush over me.... some recent ones too. Sad....

Then...there was David Cooks. He surprised me with his original rendition of You will Always be my Baby (not sure of the title)... but for once he looks less pompous and honest... He is growing on me.

Have a listen,,,Seysha with Vanishing
and David Cook"s You Will Always Be My Baby

Turning 36

It turned out to be a very funny celebration....

Haqeem Haris Izany

Just a short announcement. Haqeem was born safely on 4th March 2008 at 12.20 pm, while I was driving towards the hospital where Aida was supposedly in labour. True to her style.... the delivery was fairly easy for her though I am not saying this to undermind the gravity of a delivery....just a mere fact that Aida is actually a natural born birth machine.....

More pictures of him will be download later.... but not a surprise that he is an exact replica of Haris.

Congratulation guys.... great job. Thank you for giving me another nephew!!!!!! Now my world is balanced....2 nieces and 2 nephews..... 2 sisters and 2 brothers.... Love you all.

Life's Lesson Learned The Hard Way.....

Ibu has been unwell for the past 3 weeks. She lost her apppetite, refused to eat, feeling nausea and at times vomitted. The first few days when these symptoms appeared, I concluded that it is just a stomach flu. I was having it, so was my niece. I blamed the trip to Mersing and said it would resolved in few days. While my niece and I recovered a few days later, Ibu's symptoms worsened. She hasn't eaten a proper meal for almost a week and she weakens with every second. Since she saw her Cardiologist few days to this, I naturally assumed that it was nothing major....so I just started her on some antibiotics and anti emetics. Still the symptoms persist.

This bugs is a tough one, I thought..... or maybe something else. Something more psychological then physical. Maybe she is depressed and seeking some attentions. Ever since I moved to KL, I know Ibu is a bit upset and disappointed. Now all her children are far....and Ayah is always busy with golf. I thought she was ok about it....but what if she's not? Just to "humour" her, I brought her in for some tests.... frustratingly enough, all was normal. In fact here heart rate(HR) was amazingly normal at 60 beat per minute. I am saying amazing because Ibu's "normal heart rate" is above 100.... Looking back at this moment, I can't help but cursing myself for not seeing it. That was the sign.... the low HR. And now she has a new symptoms....blurry visions. Why I didn't pick it up then!!!!!! So Stupid!!!!!!

Anyway....few days later(which was yesterday), it occured to me to discussed the symptoms with a friend who knows more about adult medicine then me. We went through her symptoms and he asked me if Ibu is on Digoxin.Then I found out that Ibu IS on Digoxin....and then it all make sense. Rushed her to the Seremban A&E, asked help from a doctor that used to work with me, he took her blood and redo her ECG which almost confirm my suspicions. Her blood level of Digoxin was at a toxic level!!!!!

In a way I was relieved we found the root of the problems... now she is on her way to recovery. I wished I figured this out sooner.... but I guess it is better then never.

What did I learned from all of this????
1. I still don't know everything. I am grateful for friends who do....
2. Be kind to other people all the time because you never know when you will need their help. As in my case... I am grateful to Dr.Jay and Dr. Henning cause they helped my mom.... more then I did.
3. Ibu is a lot stronger mentally then we give her credit for.... if she is sick, this means she is REALLY sick.

3 Days Weekend

1st Feb was a holiday for us who work in KL. It is a Federal Territory Day. Have no idea what that means but I welcome the holiday anyway, especially when it falls on a Friday & luckily it is a weekend where i don't have to work.It is a chance for me to spend time with my family. Ibu as usual had plan ahead to take a trip back to Mersing... She knows i need a mth noticed.
So of we go back to Mersing last Friday. Packed tightly in Ayah's 4 wheel drive are 5 adults with my 1 1/2 yr old niece. 3 big derriers women at the back can be quite uncomfortable but it was bearable for that 5 hrs.Mersing decided to welcome us with a thunderstorm. It was wet & we were freezing to the bone. Decided to have an early dinner and manage to take a tower-view picture of Mersing. Can't seem to download them here. I will try later.

Spend the whole second day just lazing around at Ayah's orchard...rain non-stop. Check out a fair in town, a semi-famous Malaysian artist was performing, took some pictures and found a stall that sell the slinky sling & rubic cube. My exciting moment of the day... Finally found them. Been looking for them and found them here. Go figure!! Tomorrow is a trip back to KL. A good quality time with family. Would have been great if Aida n family around.Anyway... It was good. Made me miss him less...

Jumping with Hayden

I am sooooo in love with Hayden Christensen. He is a sight for sore eyes and believe you me.... my eyes has been sore for the longest time.That crooked devilish smile,that boyish charms.... that intense twinkling blue eyes....
I went to see the movie,Jumper, not knowing he was the lead actor. Just thought it is an interesting science fiction and heard the special effects was unbelievable. It was. I was not disappointed. Finding out that he was in it was an icing on the cake.

I liked him so much in the Stars Wars prequel, even when he turned evil....wearing the black robe, transforming himself into Darth Vader. Because you have to love him.... He did all that to save the woman he love.
No different in this movie.... sacrificing himself to save the woman he adores. I made it sound like a love story, on the surface it is not. It is a science fiction thriller with totally awesome special effects. But in essence it is a love story. David Rice was smitten with Millie since pre school and he never loose the feelings despite having travelled the world, seeing everything from the most amazing spots. My favourite was when he was standing in front of Big Ben's face.... dangling from the long hand, the scene is so amazing.

I even tried to make my sister name her unborn son Hayden... I tried. But she doesn't have the same passion for him. Oh well.... it would have made a great story of how we came up with the name.

First experiences

I saw 50 First Date for the first time last weekend. Its an old one. Been out for years but I never got a chance to see it. You would expect a silly slapstick movie from Adam Sandler , moreso when Rob Schneider act as the sidekick. But I was teary eyed at most part of the movie. Yes because I was laughing so hard (especially when Schneider got beaten up silly) but mostly because I found it warm and fuzzy in the midpart, sad and lovely at the end. Drew Barrymore provided the candy sweet element of the movie, playing the part of a girl who suffered a head injury which left her with no short term memory. She will experienced a whole day and not remember it the next day.
Then came Adam Sandler who was at first smitten by her beauty and later fell in love with her vulnerability. I loved the way he had to woo her everyday, in a variety of interesting and ingenius way in typically Sandler's comical silly ways. But the warmth part was how he made her experiences, special and memorable, even though she won't remember them. The first butterfly in the stomach....tingling sensation of the first touch.... rush of the first kiss.
To have all those experiences all over again....

Starting All Over Again

I have neglected this blog. Not on purpose but the truth is I have another blog I kept in Myspace and I frequent that website more then any others. Well....at least till recently. I haven't been able to log in there as often as I like to so I haven't been writing as much as I want to.

The other week, my sister in law enquire about my blog and I told her it is in myspace (which she found to be not easily accessible). She just mention that I should start a blog here..... suddenly ...voila..... a memory reminded. I do have a blog here.... just forgotten about it. So I am back here again.

Still wishing for immortality......